December 21, 2008

Sweet Dreams

For the first time since Evan died, I dreamed of him. I've actually only started dreaming again (that I'm aware of) in the past couple of weeks. I woke up yesterday in a snuggly warm mood. I just wanted to lay in bed. I told Tymon about the dream right away so it would stay with me instead of drifting to the back of my mind and lost. Now I want to record it so that I can read it again and not have to rely on my memory. One of my college institute instructors taught us that the Lord blesses those who write down their experiences with greater experiences. So, if you get inspiration and take if for what it's worth and move forward with your life then you'll always know that the Lord helped you with the inspiration. BUT if you write down that inspiration as you move forward then the Lord will bless you with even more inspiration. Maybe I can get another dream of Evan since I'm writing this one down.

The dream: I was watching a college scene take place. Students were crowded in the halls of a building going to their next class. Some going up stairs and some coming down. I found myself up the stairs.

Dreams are always so weird, so I'm not sure how this part came in, but it did. After we were holding Evan that last time in the ER and the coroner came in, we left. Then there was another doctor who wanted to try out an experimental procedure on Evan. Apparently, she did it and we somehow found out until later that it worked. Evan was alive!

At some point, I was back at the school and I realized that it was not only for older students but also for younger ones. I wanted to see if Evan was in school so I was hanging out in one corridor hoping to get to see him (never mind that he would have only been 18 months old right now). Somehow I knew that Evan had been gone from us for 2 months (actually 3 months). There was a teacher's helper with a young class coming up the stairs and I stopped her. (The girl is one that was in my sister's graduating class in high school. I can't remember her name right off, but I've seen her around town a few times over the last few years and she has a son in kindergarten this year at Graeden's school.) So, I asked her if there was an Evan in the class. She wasn't sure but thought there might be. A few kids walked by and then another teacher and a couple more kids. Then there was Evan. His body had aged a couple or three years. But he was the same age. (During the dream I knew that it was him...only he was bigger. I told myself that the doctor must have been feeding him some super powered formula that has the right combination of all the right nutrients that can create such growth.) When we saw each other we hugged. And hugged. And hugged. He knew me, even though it'd been a couple of months and he was living with some sort of foster family. I'm not sure why the doctor didn't tell us that the procedure worked and Evan was alive as we would have definitely wanted Evan back. But all I could think of in my mind was that I was going to take him home with us...but also knowing that you just can't take kids, even if they are yours. So, in my mind I was trying to work out how to get him back. The teacher was telling me that she was going to the circus that evening with the foster family and would run it by them that I had Evan. I just wanted to get Evan home as quickly as possible and get our family photo taken. Sometime in here, I woke up.

One of my pains is that I don't have a family photo that includes all of my children. I know that each time we have a new photo taken I will feel that pain. I saw one blogger's family photo that included one of the kids holding a photo of their deceased sibling. Other families wear a charm/pin/necklace/etc. that symbolizes the missing family member. We haven't decided on any Evan photos/symbols and in fact the family photo we had taken last month doesn't do anything to "remember" him. But I still think about it.

I want traditions that remember Evan. Now would be the time to discuss those with Tymon as we are quickly approaching our first Christmas since Evan died. If you have any ideas on traditions we can build that help us to remember Evan, please post them. Thank you.

This photo is one that I found recently on the internal memory of my camera that I got last year for Christmas. Such a present! I love how Evan liked eating the wrapping paper far more than whatever his gifts were. This year, I feel a little guilty that I don't miss him taking all of the ornaments off the tree and unwrapping presents and making messes in general.

4 Riveting COMMENTS:

  1. I just found your blog through a friend. I want to tell you how sorry I am. Suffering the loss of a child is something that no parent should have to face, but I have learned through my own loss that our Father in Heaven has such a great plan for us.

    We lost our 7 year old daughter to cancer in August. She touched so many lives, knowing that is what carries me through.

    One of the things that we do is always include Savannah's bear in all of our family pictures. All of her ornaments received a special place on the tree, right in the front and instead of our usual star on the tree we changed it to an Angel this year. Her stocking was hung with the rest of ours and we put an angel puppet that she bought for Daddy last year in it.

    We also brought a kissing ball and a (pink) christmas tree to the cemetery for her. My kids love to bring her things.

    These are just a few things that we do. Your strength and testimony are amazing. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Bridget, thank you for sharing your memories and thoughts of Evan. I love you!

  3. Wow! Melissa has some great ideas.

    What do you think the dream meant? Was it just nice to know that he is going to grow and be happy?

    I wish I could be there every day for you to just chew my ear off. I want to suffer it all with you or for you. But I know you are here to be an example to all of us. So, I know you are doing the job designed for you from before you were born. You and Evan must have decided together to be such great examples of strength and faith. I know that sucks to hear. But I look up to you every day.

  4. I just happened on your blog tonight. It has been 17 years since my 4 year old daughter passed away. For many Christmases it was our tradition to buy a Precious Moment ornament in her memory. I also don't have a picture with all of my children because we had one more daughter after our daughter's death. Several years ago we had our first family picture taken without our daughter. We had her picture superimposed in an upper corner, kind of like she's watching over us. Whenever I look at the picture I've always felt that she was as much a part of the family grouping as the rest of us. May the Lord bless you this Christmas.


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