August 9, 2009

Hard Things

I've done two hard things this weekend. Friday, I met a group of friends from college for dinner. The last time we got together was the night before Evan died. Evan was with me that night. We met at the same restaurant in the same city. I did feel like I needed to go. Not just to see my friends but to confront myself. I don't want to avoid places or situations where I've had memories with Evan. I thought of him a few times while we were there but for the most part I was able to enjoy this new moment with my friends as they interacted with my other children. It was fun and I was emotionally fine. The funniest thing was to see the date of one of my friends interact with Jocelyn. He was so sweet with her and made her a bottle with hot water. She wouldn't drink it and he had to add ice to it to cool it down a bit. He let her throw food at him and even grab him with grubby hands. It was very cute.

Yesterday, I did my second hard thing. I went through my bins of baby boy clothing and filled 4 garbage bags to give away. I haven't looked in those bins since Evan died. Most of the clothing I associate with Graeden or Elliott or Jett. My boys were definitely able to share clothes, but because each one was born in a different season not every boy wore everything. I kept several items that were ONLY Evan's. I feel grateful that my boys shared a room and that Evan was young. I don't know how I couldn've packed up a room for a child who had a lot of personal effects. That would've been really hard.

I found that Evan's Mr. Cooper sweater that he wore the Sunday before he died still had food remnants on it, probably from a cracker or cookie he ate at church. I smelled it (smelled baby-ness) and I put in my bin of clothing to keep. I'm not ready to wash it. I kept the ugly shirt that he wore for the baby crawling contest. Not because I like it. I don't. But I do associate it with him because Tymon put it on him the morning he died. We brought it home from the hospital. Without Evan. I kept the pajamas he wore when he packed his diapers for a trip that Tymon and I took without the boys.

Today, the plan was to drop off the bags to a charity on the way to church. All of a sudden it hit me. I couldn't do it. I'd put his little jeans and a few other things in the bags. I had to get them out. I broke down and cried over these bags. I got a few things out and Tymon loaded the rest into the truck and we left. It's now done. Tymon transferred them to the donation collection trailer. Now, I'm unsure about what I want to do with what I have left. It's amazing how attached I can be with inanimate objects. Or how I'm still trying to deny that I said goodbye to Evan. As if he'll ever put these jeans on again.

11 Riveting COMMENTS:

  1. I kept some jeans that my brother, Rhett, had they had this great patch on the back. I wore them a few times, then put them in my drawers. When it was obviously time to move them out, I had to cut the patch out and keep it. I still have that patch. Rhett passed away 15 years ago, today. Saying goodbye sucks.

  2. In reading this post, heartfelt as all of yours are, I was reminded of a similar post by a family who lost their daughter (she choked on a small piece of apple while leaving church) and how they felt packing up her room to make way for a new baby. Their blog in general is amazing and healing (and maybe you already read it) but I found the post and wanted to give you the link:

  3. I still have one of the outfits that Amy Lynne wore and soiled. I, to this day, have never washed it and I probably never will. For the life of me, I cannot get rid of any preemie or newborn clothes that were intended for her, but that her younger sister wore instead. I have no problem giving away the bigger clothes.

    Hang in there!

  4. Oh bridge, I'm so sorry. I didn't even think about it until it was too late. I hope it was helpful rather than hurtful. Sending hugs and love your way....

    It was wonderful to see you and the kiddos. It's amazing how fast they grow in a few short months. Jocelyn is such a cutie!!!

    Next time we're up we're crashing at your place instead ok?. I still haven't seen it! Remember to post some pics!

  5. I will never forget September 22nd when we went to the restaurant together with little Evan. That was the very last evening we spent with him. I am so grateful that I came with you guys and got to sit next to him that evening. I miss him so mush. One thing that really makes me happy is that we got our picture taken. I am SO grateful for it.

  6. I'm sorry, Bridget. This must be very difficult. I'm glad you let yourself keep a few things.

  7. Bridget.. I am deeply moved by your post. You have every right to keep anything you want. I did want to let you know that I have heard of people making blankets with clothing and old blankies of children who have passed on. Take care

  8. Malea,
    Too true. Saying goodbye sucks.

    I do read Molly's blog. She participates in a blog for bereaved parents with me.

    I may clean the sweater...or maybe I'll keep it in my collection soiled and all. Good to know I'm not the only one.

    No worries. It is healing to face your pain.

    I think you went to bed after we got home that night. Tymon and I got an extra special moment with Evan later that evening, which was beautiful for me because I was tired and feeling big and Evan was so wiggly at the restaurant.

    It is hard to say goodbye and to only have a few things that were Evan's is hard, too. He only had a few toys and clothing to leave behind and so much of his stuff had also belonged to his brothers.

    I have actually thought of the quilt idea...I also thought about it for a bunch of clothes that Jovana left behind, too.

  9. Love you my dear friend

  10. Brid,
    I am sorry for the hard things you had to face recently. I love you!

  11. You are my hero, Bridget. I love you.


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