April 30, 2009

Guys and Dolls

This evening, Graeden, Jett and I saw Jovana perform in Guys and Dolls. Here she is with her fur coat doing a little dance.

Then her coat comes off...and so does part of her dress...and she ends up like this.

I missed that part though. I think I must have been trying to get Jett to stop crying. Or maybe I was trying to stop him from stepping on the guy's toes next to me. You can tell when people like kids. This guy seemed okay. He didn't seem angry, but he also didn't reach out to Jett or try to talk to him like many people who enjoy children do. I wasn't happy with his behavior. I wanted to watch the show and Jett just wanted to wiggle, beat the chair with a bottle, dance around or sit on my lap. Sitting on my lap wouldn't have been such a big deal but before the show started we went to the restroom. Jett sat on the toilet and I guess he didn't point his penis down into the toilet because the back of his pants were all wet. He smelled like urine and he would bust out bawling when he didn't like something. I called my Dad at intermission to see if he could come and pick up Jett. He was in the middle of something and wanted me to bring him over. I couldn't...I wouldn't have had time to do it and be back before Jovana's performance right after intermission...so I endured and put Jett on my lap a little twisted so his wet pants wouldn't transfer on to mine.

Jovana is paired here with Ammon Morrill. Ammon has two brothers also in high school. One was also in the play. They were great on stage. I knew several other students on stage and they did tremendous performances. I was trying to imagine a time when my kids will be over their whiny crabby phases and actually listen to me. I wonder if these other mothers felt like giving up. Like their kids would ever stop fighting or get a handle on their emotions. My Dad said he was sorry about Jett and then told me, "Yeah, you probably think you kids never did stuff like that when you were younger." My dear mother must have cried herself to sleep on many occasions. Kind of like I want to do right now.

The one bright spot is that tomorrow I get to go to work. I can pretend that I don't have any challenges at home and all of my relationships are fabulous and fulfilling. When in reality, I'm just running away. Away from my kids. Away from my husband. Away from my home. I don't really wonder why the Twilight series holds me so. I know it's because I want that fantasy life.

I was thinking tonight about how it would be to be a teenager again. There is a lot of fun during the teen years. A lot of self discovery. A lot of hope for the future. A lot of talk about who likes who and who said what and who did what. I never would have imagined the twists and turns my life has taken. I didn't like high school. I didn't learn very much and thought it was a waste of my time. I could zone out in class and still get A's. I wanted to be older. I wanted to travel the world. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted a car. I wanted all the fun without any of the responsibility.

And now here I am at 33 with a husband, 5 children, a home and a business and I'm wondering if I can be a teenager again. Wondering if I can go back in time. Wondering what would happen if I'd made different choices. I'm living Rosalie Cullen's dream and questioning whether or not it's what I want, too. I dare say it's a little too late to be wondering any of this. Even though I've been blessed with more children, more family, more cars, and more home than most of the world I will go to bed tonight and cry myself to sleep. I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

April 29, 2009


I have a lot to do this week. Well, every week. I don't have time for an obsession. Yet, I make time. I'm drawn to Four Books. Six days. 2444 pages. I can't put them down. I've read them all before. Last year. I know what's going to happen. Wouldn't the suspense wane? I still can't put them down. The words move me like they did the first time. I race through the pages. EAGER. I have another project. I have a huge deadline. It'll be SO CLOSE and a MIRACLE if I can make it. Yet relationships are all I can think about. What do they have that I don't? How can I get what they have? AND AT THE SAME TIME, I HAVE SO MUCH MORE THAN THEY'LL EVER HAVE. But I still want more. More story. More triumph. More unyielding love.

April 25, 2009

Tons of Tulips!

I get an incredible feeling as we turn in to the cemetery and drive up the hill to Evan's grave. It's so bright with the tulips and it makes me happy.

This morning and afternoon, we tromped around the tulips and daffodils in the Skagit Valley. I love seeing the acres and acres of color. Heavenly Father blesses us with so much beauty.

April 20, 2009

Random Shots

I found this adorable photo on my camera...I'm not sure who took the shot, but I love seeing Graeden (and his brothers) totally in to playing with Jocelyn. It reminds me of how they treated Evan. Evan was always played with and protected. Jocelyn will be very much the same in that regard.

My beautiful girls on Easter morning.

Jocelyn is just SO CUTE! I love to see her happy face...even with her hands in her mouth.

April 16, 2009

Field Trip

Yesterday was the dreaded tax day of our nation. If you add up all the taxes we pay (income, property, sales, gas, vehicle, payroll, business and operations, etc.) then you get a huge sum that easily adds up to more than half of what we earn.

Knowing that we need to stand up and be counted among those that oppose this excessive taxation and non-stop spending of our government, we attended a TEA Party protest with a thousand like minded citizens. We pulled Jovana out of school so that she could come and participate. We made signs. One of my favorite ones is the one that she is holding...I know what this means to the Americans who sell bonds to the Chinese...I'm not as sure about what this means for a Serbian girl.

Right now our government has saddled each American with $34,000 in debt. That's a lot of money for anyone to pay...but for our family that is nearly $200,000 and Jett doesn't earn that much money.

Enough is enough. The cure is simple: WE SHOULDN'T BE SPENDING MONEY THAT WE DON'T HAVE!!! We CANNOT borrow our way out of debt.

April 14, 2009

Pancake Freak Out

Yesterday, I made pancakes for breakfast. It didn't take long and I called the boys in to eat.

Graeden and Jett came. They were messing around and name calling and hitting and being naughty in general. We had a little fiasco and I wanted to eat in peace, so I locked them out of the house. They were left on the deck outside our eating nook. I only had 3 conditions that they had to abide by before they'd be allowed to come back in the house.

#1 - they needed to apologize for their ill behavior
#2 - they needed to be happy
#3 - they needed to sing me a song

So, I was able to eat while they screamed and cried. I didn't feel too bad...except Jett was in his standard potty training attire (naked) and it was chilly out. I called for Elliott to come down and eat. Graeden refused to comply with my request and he (barefoot) went to find another way into the house (basement door). I was surprised that Elliott didn't let him in. I called Elliott again to come for breakfast. While Graeden was gone, I let Jett in but put him in the mud room sink until he could sing me a song. What's funny or terrible or sad is that Jett is often "trapped" in the high chair or sink or where ever I put him because he "thinks" that he can't get out. He really can and I work with him on helping him to realize that he really can get out or down. I kind of like being able to contain him but I also want him to know that he has quite a bit of power and can help himself.

Anyway, about this time, I was annoyed that Elliott wasn't coming for breakfast and went to find him. I opened the door to the basement and saw that the light was off, so I headed upstairs. The play room was empty. His bedroom was empty. I started to panic. Where was he? How long had it been since I'd seen him? 20 minutes? I didn't know. I raced through the house and checked the bathtubs to make sure he hadn't drowned. Then I calmed myself and systematically searched the entire house, room by room and under each bed. I was going crazy. I went outside and called to Graeden to see if he knew where Elliott was. He said he was in the basement. Nope, not there. I even went down to check because he could have been there playing with the light off and not answering me...

Many thoughts ran through my mind. I was committed to finding him before I called 911. I wanted a body. I was pretty sure he was in the house. I just didn't know where and I was terrified. My spirits were dejected with each empty room and each empty hiding spot. Pancakes are his favorite breakfast and it is extremely unusual for him to ignore a call to come and eat them. I tried to prepare myself for finding him dead. My emotions swirled around in my mind and it was VERY DIFFICULT for me to concentrate on my systematic search.

Just before I gave up and called anyway, I went into the garage. There Elliott was sitting in my car loading up on candy that he was not supposed to have.

I took the candy out of his hands, hugged him and sat on the chair in the family room and cried. I told him how much I love him and how I was frightened when I couldn't find him. He needs to tell me where he is going. No surprises. I thought he'd died. And Elliott's reaction ... Huh? Is there a problem? Am I not getting in trouble for sneaking candy? Where are the pancakes?

April 11, 2009

Flowers for Evan

Evan's flowers are starting to bloom. The daffodils are out and the tulips are trying! Maybe in another week or two they'll be here.

After the parade, we stopped at my aunt and uncle's house. There were a ton of people there and cousins running all over. We were half way to the cemetery before we realized we forgot Jett there. Ahhh...so sad. When we came back to get him, my aunt and cousins each had a story about where they forgot one of their kids. Brett's wife Katie told us that her parents gave each kid a number and they had to count off before they left to go places. We laughed at that. Katie was number 8. I think we may have to institute a similar regimen at some point.

As I'm sure I've mentioned before, one of my cousins has a son just two weeks younger than Evan. I was able to hug this sweet little guy a few times today. And each time, I was near tears. He let me hug him even though he doesn't really know who I am. I couldn't help but think of Evan and how big he would be. Of how he would probably be behaving. Of how dirty his hands would be after playing in the yard, falling down and popping right back up. And Elliott trying to run him over with a play car. Yeah, our Evan would definitely be a tough little guy. I miss him.

Easter Parade

The boys love parades and we were happy to take Jovana to experience her first one. We actually have a strategy for where we watch. We go to the very beginning of the route. As participants start out they are so excited to be moving and not waiting their turn anymore that they give a lot of candy to all of the kids who sit or stand on the curbs. This year Jovana and I got oven mitts, too. By the time the participants get to the end of the route they've run out of give-aways and operate in conservation mode. Uh yeah, that's not for us. We like to get stuff.

Sometimes, the sirens and horns get a little loud.

Who doesn't love the legendary Sauerkraut Band? ha ha ha...old ladies dancing like cheerleaders...priceless. Sorry, I missed getting photos of them. But Rainbow Hair Drummer is pretty fabulous.

I'm not sure what's more unusual...a biker church...or the grandma that's a part of the biker church.

The SeaFair Pirates weren't as big of a hit as they have been in years past. I guess we're just not used to thinking of them as real or being anything other than just an ancient legend.

April 6, 2009

MS Walk

Jovana, Jett, Jocelyn and I walked with Brett's wife Katie at the MS Walk this past Saturday. Katie and Brett recently told us about about a new treatment they are testing in Europe for MS. You take a pill with worms in it and then your body will fight the worms instead of fighting your central nervous system. What a great concept. I hope it works so Katie can just go eat worms.

Helium Balloon

Sometimes, for a child, the most exciting thing in the world is to get a helium balloon. And sometimes, it's devestating when that balloon flies away. That's what happened to Jett's this past Saturday. It came undone when he was hitting Jovana with it. The string was still connected to his wrist but the balloon was gone. Jovana, always making someone happy, tied that bear up to the empty string. Jett tried his hardest to make that bear float in the air. Yeah, that was a good time.

April 3, 2009


I got Twilight the movie this past week and have now watched it a couple of times. Umm...why am I obsessing over Edward? I didn't like him in the movie at first...but then with each subsequent watching I just get sucked in deeper and deeper. I've neglected reading Midnight Sun, which is Twilight from his perspective, for the longest time and am now reading it into the wee hours. It's like getting caught up in a dream. Yet when I watch the movie, the RED FLAG creepiness of Edward slaps me in the face. I mean who really sneaks into a girl's bedroom to watch her sleep? I think stalkers are the only ones that follow a girl around when they're shopping in town "just in case" she needs a little protection. I mean just WHO IS THIS EDWARD? And why deep down do I not really care that he's creepy?
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