September 21, 2010


I don't know what day it is. But I do know what day quickly approaches. My brain is in denial and several times in the past few days I have been on the verge of tears. I watched the video of Evan packing for a trip he wasn't going on and remembered how good it felt to hold him. And I want to wrap my arms around him. Today.

I believe in miracles. Two years ago I was clueless as to the miracle I would be praying for. And there I was a few days later trying to make a deal with God. I was seeing Evan and not understanding what unconsciousness meant. Telling my parents to come and watch our big boys. Getting to the hospital through rush hour traffic. The vivid memory of the emergency room. The crowd of 27 doctors, nurses and helpers hovering over my little boy. Trying to help. Breathing for him. Tag-team CPR. Shots of adrenaline. Someone saying it didn't look good. Me not understanding

Someone asking if we wanted to call anyone. Me not understanding.

Asking to have some privacy where we could pray. Feeling peace. Thinking this was the trial of our faith and Evan would now respond. Me not understanding. 

That day, the miracle I sought more than any other was not granted. And on that day I changed. Forever.

On Saturday night, Tymon and I went to the theatre in Seattle and saw the dance production Burn The Floor. What was more fantastic than the amazing talent of the dancers was the easy friendship we formed with two of the patrons who came nearly 45 minutes before the start of the show. We left the theatre feeling like we've known them for years. The couple is from Utah and they told us their daughter was in the show. I didn't recognize the girl's name. The mom forgave me. We talked for a while. It turns out the daughter has always loved to dance but was sick for several years growing up. The doctors told them at one point that they just needed to take her home to die. An incredible amount of faith and hard work met a beautiful miracle. And the girl recovered. She and her husband now dance together. And they are truly incredible to watch. Meet Ashleigh and Ryan Di Lello. Some of you who are in the know watched them in the 6th season of So You Think You Can Dance.

Meet Becky. I've known her for several years.

She discovered what she thought was a clogged milk duct a few months ago. It wasn't. Within days she'd had a mastectomy. At this point, I believe she made a conscious decision to keep her happy attitude and positive outlook, despite her precarious circumstances. On the inside, I'm sure there are a roller coaster of emotions but on the outside, she is all smiles. Not long ago, the cancer spread to her lungs and she's gone through rounds of chemotherapy. Last week we went to a benefit and blood drive for her. Her spirits were high. I am sad to say that just a few days ago they discovered the cancer has spread once again. This time to her brain.

I believe in miracles. It is possible for God to heal her. To stop the spreading of this terrible cancer. When I think of Becky, I get choked up. My thoughts turn to the conversations that she and her family are probably having in their home. Talks that are hard. On so many levels. The decisions that must be made. And my tears flow. Believing in miracles. And knowing that the miracles we seek are not necessarily the miracles we need.

Faith: taking a step into the dark in order to see the light. Or, in the words of the prophet Moroni: is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faithThe greatest of all miracles was Jesus's resurrection. There's a bitter sweetness to that one, really. Sweet that it happened and this earthly taste of death bites.

15 Riveting COMMENTS:

  1. I'm so sorry about your sweet boy. I cry thinking about how hard that must be. I'm so sorry.

    And hold the phone. Ashleigh's dad is my dentist. I remember him telling me about her being sick while working on my teeth years and years ago. Did you see him and his wife, both her parents, at the movies? They got divorced a couple of years ago. Interesting. I'm so curious about this encounter you had with them.

  2. I thought I was talking to both of her parents. Unfortunately, I don't even know their names. What's the dad's website? I can look at his photo and tell you if it was him.

    We were at the theatre production of Burn the Floor and Ashley and Ryan were both dancing in it.

  3. I think sometimes the miracle that we get is making it through what seems like an impossible trial on our faith and life. I am too the point now that I am happy when others get their miracles. I would hate for them not to.

  4. Brid, I am thinking of you this week. The video is very sweet. I love you! Love Kate

  5. So true Kenda. It's impossible to separate who I am from what it took to get here. But I want to. I want the growth without the pain.

    Thank you Katie.

  6. I'm so sorry Bridget. There's not a lot anyone can say that can make it better, but I hope you know we love you and you are an incredible mom. I'm sorry to hear about Becky's condition worsening. Lots of prayers for her family and yours.

  7. I love you Bridget and I hope you will enjoy the sweet memories you have of Evan. I'm glad you have videos and pictures to remember him by. I hope we all take the time to really appreciate and love our family members each day as we never know what the future may hold. I don't want any regrets, only happy memories.

  8. Bridget, I just wanted you to know that I love you. The video of your sweet baby made me smile.

  9. Breaks my heart. I hope you make it through the anniversary with peace and happy memories of Evan. Sending good love your way.

  10. in tears... thanks for the post! love you my dear friend.

  11. Thanks for the post Bridge. We will keep all of you in our prayers. I love your comment - the miracles we "seek" are not necessarily the miracles we "need" - certainly a hard lesson to learn and remember... but so true! Love and hugs to you and your sweet family.

  12. How come I did not comment on this post sooner? It's been a busy week. Anyway, thank you for what you shared...puts things into true. Much love! - Jocelyn (Also you won a prize in my giveaway today!)

  13. A little update on Becky. She had brain surgery a few days ago. Her husband is reporting that she is in high spirits and so not going down without a fight. Or maybe she's just not going down. Amazing faith. Truly.

  14. Bridget, I am so sorry about Evan. What a sweet, sweet boy. I can't even imagine. I have always admired you. You have taught me so much. You and Tymon are in my prayers.

  15. Mike here...I love this. I needed this right now. The plot I picked today for Becky is close to where Evan is. I hope that our families can draw strength from each other in the days/months/years to come.


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