June 28, 2014

Doubt Not But Be Believing

I've been thinking about my spiritual conversion a lot over the past few weeks in preparation for speaking in church about the topic on Sunday. Conversion to Christ comes in many forms, probably as many as there are people on the earth. Mine fits into the category with growth so slow I don't realize it's happened, followed by a trial of faith (that may or may not include something dramatic happening), a period of searching for answers, finding peace and finally moving forward with faith. Then cycle repeats itself. Again. And again. 

When I'm 100% confident in the direction of my spiritual and religious journey, I'm happy. Right now, I'm struggling. For the past year, maybe two, I've been questioning and not finding the answers or peace I crave. A wise prophet once encouraged seekers of truth to ask God, with a sincere heart, real intent, and faith in Christ to know the truth of all things. So I should be able to get answers, except I don't have real intent. I'm afraid of what the answer might be so I'm not asking any questions that commit me to action.

My finding peace would result in one of three options. The first option is being fully committed to a gospel community, which I love. Another involves leaving it. The third is a bit more complicated. It involves finding a way to reconcile doubts and fill my heart with faith. The problem with making a decision is that I'm not okay with all of my options. And since I'm not ready to act, I do not have real intent. And since I don't have real intent, putting effort into scripture study, meditation, or the kind of prayer necessary for settling my internal unrest has been put on the back burner.

I've got to figure something out before I speak in the morning. I feel pressure, which isn't necessarily good or bad. It just is. Sometimes, I need a gentle nudge to get me to take the next step in my journey to become more like the Savior.

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