Team JOHNS Family

Taking Back Breakfast: Granola

2012-01-22T23:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I get to watching documentaries (Super-size Me, Fat Head, Food Inc., King Corn, Forks Over Knives) and I know I need to change the way my family eats in a big way. Cut out soy. Cut out GMOs. Cow's milk causes a host of problems. And high fructose corn syrup is from the devil. You get the idea.

I start making changes to what we eat and then it seems like I can't eat anything. I mean seriously. Nothing in our regular diet works. Most every food-like substance in the grocery store has one of those ingredients in it. And then discourangement sets in.

I'm getting better though. I've found that the only way to make permanent life-style changes in the way we eat is to change one thing at a time. Last spring, I decided to take back our breakfasts. I stopped buying cereal and started making breakfast every morning. Then I read about Carrie's granola recipe. All the ease of boxed cereals but with a nutritional boost. What's not to like?! Here we are half a year later and still going strong. Changing just one meal per day. No soy, GMOs, milk, or HFCS. We've taken back our breakfasts.

We've run into some problems at breakfast time, though. We get bored with the same thing each day. I usually make a batch of granola (lasts about a week) every other week. Then we mix it up with toast, oatmeal, pancakes, etc.

I've also altered Carrie's recipe to make it seem like we aren't eating the same thing all the time. I wanted granola with clusters in it. And I figured out how to do it. Sometimes I like mango almond granola and other times apple pecan. Most often I throw in craisins or raisins since they are more economical to buy. The one time I put in chocolate chips, my children praised me to high heaven and devoured the entire batch in just a couple of days. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you're only limited in what you can do with your granola by your own imagination.

Note: This recipe adapts well to Vegan and gluten-free diets.

Basic No Frills Granola
3/4 cup fat (coconut oil is my favorite and gives a fantastic flavor)
1 cup honey (or maple syrup or jelly)
4 cups oatmeal (any rolled grain works. I've used rolled barley and triticale with oats, too.)
2 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons vanilla

Lovely additions
1/2 cup shredded coconut
3/4 cup dried fruit (raisins, craisins, mangos, apples, figs, dates, etc.)
1/2 cup wheat bran
1/2 cup ground flax seed
2 - 3 cups seeds/nuts (sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds, almonds, pecans, peanuts, etc.)

Clusters
1 cup flour (I use whole wheat but have also used gluten-free flours)
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 egg (optional)

Directions (preheat oven to 275-300 F)

Melt coconut oil and combine with honey and vanilla in a small sauce pan (if you're adding peanut butter put it in at this step)
Combine dry ingredients for the clusters in a large mixing bowl.
Add egg (optional) and then pour in oil/honey mixture and mix it up.
Add oatmeal, cinnamon, and lovely additions (but NOT the dried fruit).
Mix well and spread onto a cookie sheet/jelly roll sheet.
Bake ~45 minutes stirring every 10-15 minutes.
Stir in dried fruit and allow to cool before transferring to your storage container. Bon apetite!

Baking Delights

2012-01-19T23:25:00.000-08:00

Remember the two bread making classes that I did with the church ladies in November? Well, I've been practicing. And I've improved. A ton. My boys don't complain about hard crusts anymore.

Tymon surprised me with a stand mixer for Christmas. I had bought a cheap one before Thanksgiving to save a few dollars on our turkey (spend $50 and get a turkey for 49 cents per pound). I wasn't sure how much I'd actually use a stand mixer so Tymon and I discussed me using the cheap one for a while. If I was still using it a year later, then we'd invest in a better quality mixer. Well, he forgot we'd talked about it. Ha ha. So when he saw it on my Amazon wish list, he went out and picked up a Kitchenaid at Costco. I love it and use it a few times each week.

I'm craving a bit more instruction on breads, though. I think I'm ready for more. I'd also like to increase my experience with alternative flours. It's exciting for me to look at photos of the bread I was making a year or two ago. The improvment is like night and day.

I made these cinnomon rolls tonight. I can't wait until breakfast!

Snowed In

2012-01-18T12:23:00.000-08:00

Great Wolf Lodge

"Howlin' Tornado"

The best part about going to the Great Wolf Lodge is the water park. In particular, the Howlin' Tornado water slide. After dumping you 6 stories you ride back and forth through the funnel before losing momentum and moving on through the ride. There is a 700 pound weight limit on this ride. Going with Elliott (together we weigh about 175 pounds) was fun. But riding with Tymon, my brother and father was the best ever. You see they don't actually weigh you. And our rough estimates put the four of us at 750 pounds. It's not that the tube can't handle the weight. It can. It's just that our momentum from the initial drop and up the side of the funnel didn't decrease all that much when we went back up the other side. And then back the other way. Wowsa. It was awesome.

Side Note: Having a shareholders meeting for the family business at a water park isn't super productive.

Our Winter Wonderland

We came home Saturday night to snow at about 5pm. It was a fish tailing good time getting up our big hill, passing a handful of vehicles stuck at the bottom and one in the second stretch. That was the last time we've been out. It's now Wednesday and we have about a foot of snow. I heard there were 6 snow plows in the county. There haven't been any around our neighborhood. It's all snow and compacted ice.

I love this winter wonderland we live in. Except the not getting out part. It's been good for cleaning out the fridge though. I'd forgotten about some of the produce in there. We've eaten it all now. Tymon's been telling me that some people starve to death with food in the pantry. He thinks that would happen to him. I look in the pantry and see food. He looks in there and doesn't see anything to eat. I'm pretty sure Jocelyn takes more after me than Tymon. I had to take some egg roll wrappers away from her the other day and tell her it wasn't a snack. She sees most everything as food.

Graeden is also honing in on his culinary skills. We made pancakes this morning. He added water to his chocolate chip pancake mix. I made some millet pancakes from scratch. They were pretty good. But be warned. If you eat them at the same setting as refined white flour chocolate chip pancakes, they won't taste as great. Tymon was nice not to tell our kids that. They don't even notice.

Being snowed in helps me to finsih other projects, too. The pancakes are on top of my latest hand made masterpiece, a Valentine's Day table runner. As the snow continues to fall, it makes me wonder if the rain will ever come to melt it away. Or if days of cancelled school and working from home will persist a few more days.

Peace

2012-01-15T12:09:00.000-08:00

The entire world is at peace

When fresh snow blankets the earth.

Or at least it seems to be.

Until we go out and mess it up.

I mean make snow forts.

And snowmen.

And angels.

Angels flying toward us

Bringing bits of calm,

Fun and laughter.

As responsibilities melt away

And our hearts warm.

Fight Or Flight: Behaviors Of The Accused

2012-01-07T00:32:00.000-08:00

Before August 27, 2011:
When someone was accused of doing something wrong, I thought there was usually some bit of truth behind it. Even if it was just a small bit. And if they left the country, confessed, or tried to commit suicide then that sealed the deal. They were definitely guilty.

After August 27, 2011:
Rational and irrational thought plagues the accused. For this post, I will concentrate on what was going through my heart and mind in the time period shortly following the initial investigation of Kira's broken collarbone. CPS was investigating my husband and I for maltreatment or child abuse. The Sheriff was investigating Second Degree Assault of a Child, a felony offense.

The Body Soul Connection describes the physiologic response to stress as this:

The "fight or flight response" is our body's primitive, automatic, inborn response that prepares the body to "fight" or "flee" from perceived attack, harm or threat to our survival.

Necessary Details:
I didn't start out feeling attacked. I took Kira to the on-call pediatrician on Saturday morning because I felt a bump midway between her neck and shoulder. Because Elliott has had some issues with his elbow popping out of joint and I have hyper-flexible joints, I thought Kira's shoulder had popped out of socket. It didn't really seem to bother her, though. I don't even know when it happened since she didn't cry very much. And certainly never in a way that would have drawn my attention to it in the moment it happened.

I was surprised when the x-ray showed the collarbone was broken. Because I had no specific incident to tell the doctor about, he said he had to report it to CPS and that they would do an investigation. I was okay with this. I thought they'd come out to our house and talk to us. We'd tell them we didn't know what happened, they'd see Kira is well cared for and that would be the end of it.

Primitive, Automatic, Inborn Response:
I started feeling uneasy when I talked to a friend of mine who had a bad experience being trapped in the hospital with her nursing twin daughters because one had fallen off the bed and broken her leg. She was forced to do every test under the sun on her daughter and was told that if she refused or tried to take her daughter away then they'd report her for kid-knapping.
After consulting with Tymon, we decided that we would not take Kira to Children's Hospital's emergency department for further testing as the pediatrician had suggested we do. Any investigation could be done from our home or in a CPS office. Away from high-tech, cancer-causing, radiation-saturated equipment.

Escalation:
Less than two hours later a CPS social worker and two sheriff deputies were at our front door intent on taking Kira into protective custody.

FIGHT

Anger and Defiance:
It was a STRUGGLE to stay calm at this point. We tried. Hard. They could see that Kira was fine. She was happy and cared for. The social worker threatened to get a court order to get custody of her if we didn't take her to Children's Hospital immediately. One deputy was visibly angry. The other more reasonable. After about an hour of back and forth exchange between us, the deputies, the social worker and both of their bosses, we got a guarantee that if I took Kira to the hospital we'd only have to do x-rays and no CT scan (likely to cause childhood cancer when done in infants).

Later at the hospital, after the full skeletal survey, the doctors wanted to do a CT scan. I refused and started asking more questions about what would happen next. Would they take custody of Kira and do the test anyway? Who would pay for that? I certainly wasn't going to.

Research:
Before going to the hospital and during the several hours in the ER, I was busy doing research. The need to know everything was great. What causes broken clavicles? What laws compel me to comply with a suggestion from a doctor?

Gratitude:
For computers, technology, iPads, Google and the internet. For the easy flow of information.

Mama Bear:
There is NO WAY are you going to take away my baby!

Fear:
I took my blog down. No one but me could read it. What if CPS found it? What if they read about some of the crazy things my children do? Would it incriminate me? Some of you noticed this and emailed me about getting an invitation to keep reading. Thank you. I so appreciate the love and support of my family and friends.

Friends:
My blog was down for less than a day. It weighed heavy on me. I prayed to know what to do. In church a speaker was telling a story. I don't remember what that story was about but while listening I had the distinct impression that shutting out my blog readers was not the right thing to do. I needed your support.

I put my blog back online, disabled the search feature and told my story. You wouldn't believe how many of you have also had run ins with CPS. Tons. You came out of the woodwork. Truly. It got to the point where I couldn't even follow up on the phone calls and messages left for me about it. While being investigated by CPS or the Sheriff is incredibly embarrassing, making our struggle public was right for our family. We weren't judged. You helped us. Gave us names, lawyers, and resources that might help us. Thank you!

FLIGHT

Disbelief:
This. Is. Not. Happening. But it is. To me. Right now.

Helplessness:
No one would take our case. Only certain family law attorneys regularly work with CPS. CPS did background checks on us. They found out that our son Evan died three years ago. They opened up a case on him. Now our referrals were directed at criminal law attorneys. And most of them don't have any experience with CPS. No one can help us.

Truth:
We told our story. Several times. Over and over again. They didn't believe us. And asked the same question a little differently. Should I just agree with whatever they said? Would they believe that? What was the truth? Did events happen as I remembered? Or did my imagination create the picture I thought they wanted? What is real? I don't know anymore. What can I say to make the questions stop? Why don't they just stop? I don't know! If I knew how it happened, I would tell you. But I don't! Please, please just leave me alone.

Loss of Control:
We couldn't control what was happening around us. Not CPS. Not law enforcement. Not medical practitioners. The government was essentially threatening to break apart our family and all we could do was stand back and watch.

Self-Doubt:
What's wrong that I don't know when Kira has a broken bone? Wasn't I there? I shouldn't even be a mother. I don't feel comfortable holding Kira. My arms tingle. Maybe I'd drop her. Life is hyper-sensitive and we tip toe around each other. Afraid to move. Afraid it will be wrong.

My children would be better off in a foster home. And why do I care if they learn to love vegetables or not? They'd just eat junk in a foster home. Nothing I've taught them matters.

Dying:
What would life be like if our children were given to another family? How would a foster parent be able to care for our Kira? She doesn't take a bottle. She has a congenital heart defect. She has cardiology appointments. A foster family wouldn't know what the warning signs were if Kira was in distress. Would we ever get our children back? Maybe dying is the answer...

A New Life:
We're leaving. Where could we go? I don't care about our house, our business, our things. They aren't important. We must take our family and build a new life. Somewhere else. Where they'd never find us. That would work, right? We were never charged with a crime. They don't have any evidence besides an x-ray. That doesn't prove we hurt our Kira. We didn't hurt her. Will we ever be able to come home?

Where I'm At Now:
I'm extremely grateful our family was never split up. I'm glad we didn't leave. I'm happy we're alive. I'm pleased the investigation is over. The self-doubt is gone. The anger has subsided. But the stark reality of how much power the government has over our family haunts me. I do not trust them. Our story ended well. But not all stories do.

I feel betrayed by our representatives both in the house and senate who enabled Obama to crap on our constitutional rights for due process last week (even though he had "serious reservations" about doing so. When we were being investigated for Kira's injury, it was very difficult to get any information about what was going on. The unknown is dangerously frightening. As in Kira didn't gain any weight for a month because I was under extreme stress and not producing fatty milk. I can't imagine how the "terrorists" in Gitmo must feel. No charges. No trials. No evidence. And now American citizens can be treated the same. Our politicians need to be fired. Today.

Indefinite Detention

2012-01-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of the bill that Obama signed on New Year's Eve? It gives our government the sweeping power to indefinitely hold terrorists. Without charges. Without trial. And they don't even have to do anything wrong. They can be held preventively. Don't worry, according to the Associated Press Obama wanted to make sure that American citizens wouldn't be included in the indefinite detention provision...unless of course the president thinks an American is a national security risk. So as long as I trust the President, all will be well. Ah, I feel so much safer (read heavy sarcasm here). Read David Swanson's article "Obama Crowned Himself On New Year's Eve" to balance out the AP's short-sighted one.

Obama's sneaky, that's for sure. Evil, too. And so are our representatives. They don't represent me. Or you. It's time we voted them out.

It's possible that I'm extra sensitive. Having been falsely accused this past summer (no charges, no judge, no trial) but definitely under investigation does that to a person. Logical thought shifts. One post that I've been thinking about for a while is about what it's like to be accused. I didn't think much on the rights of the accused before a few months ago. My perspective on rule of law and justice has changed. And I know myself just a little bit better.

In the next day or two I will post about what it's like to be accused. I don't think my experience is so unusual. At the rate our government is growing, unfortunately, some of you will experience it, too. I will leave you with this YouTube video, which was made several months ago. This is the bill that Obama just signed. Disgusting.

Christmas High Low

2011-12-30T02:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve

Dinner High: A small enough gathering so we could use real plates, bronze-ware, glasses and cloth napkins. No plastic or paper products allowed. Me likey.

Dinner Low: We got back from seeing Tin Tin later than I thought and our grass-fed beef roast went in the oven late...which meant we ate our salads first and sliced off a piece of roast here and there as it continued to cook the entire time.

Luke 2 Reading High: The shepherds were calm and gentle (read: not fighting). The rambunctious angel calmed down in time to act out her part.

Luke 2 Reading Low: My dad forgot to bring the old family bible.

Christmas Morning

Stockings High: Oranges are always a big hit. I'm not sure I know why. We had plenty the night before in the fruit bowl and have plenty there now.

Stockings Low: Sometimes I get confused between Jett's and Elliott's stockings. Luckily Santa always knows whose is whose and got the right gifts in the right stocking.

Presents High: Jocelyn loved her doll house...for about a minute until she saw the boys' aircraft carrier.
Presents Low: Santa went all out on the doll house and sets of Legos and I found a huge set of Rescue Heroes (heroes/aircraft carrier/planes/ships/etc) at a garage sale BUT the kids' favorite presents were all a few dollars and cheaper. Why oh why do we stay up so late getting everything ready? Tymon and I were in bed by 4am...only to rise at 9am - the official start time of Christmas.

Favorite Presents:
Graeden: a bow and arrow
Elliott: a stuffed animal from his grandma Coleen
Jett: Star Wars marshmallow candy stick
Jocelyn: an orange

Church High: Only an hour long service (no Sunday School) and Elliott and Jett got dressed before 9am.

Church Low: Not being able to chat with very many people at church after the service. There were several people home for the holidays that I haven't seen in years.

Dinner High: Dinner was at my brother's house and his wife did the cooking. I brought a couple of salads (Caprese with mango and an orange cucumber with butter lettuce).

Dinner Low: I was so tired from having stayed up so late that I fell asleep during the puppet show that my boys put on with Nana and Bapa.

Nightly Scripture Reading High: All of the kids were interested in the story (we're reading about Jesus' New Testament miracles right now),

Nightly Scripture Reading Low: except Jocelyn....who usually runs around during scriptures or hides in my room watching cartoons on my iPad.

Hidden

2011-12-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

If she can't see me that means I can't see her. Or so she thinks.

I was laughing about Jocelyn "hiding" from me not too long ago when a friend (border patrol agent in Arizona) said unfortunately, it's not just children who do this. He'd been out on patrol not too long ago and saw a grown man trying to hide from him in a bush.

Agent: (in Spanish) Come out. I can see you.

Illegal: (crouches down, covers face with hands and doesn't move)

Agent: I can see you! Come out of there!

Illegal: (doesn't move)

Agent: (pokes him with his nightstick) Come out. I see you.

Really?! Ha ha ha. I want him to take a photo of this next time it happens. I'll put it side by side with Jocelyn's. That's pretty much the whole reason why I'm posting this. Some day she'll get a laugh out of it. Because yes, she truly believes I can't see her in this photo...I'm pretty sure this is the same thought process that tells her I don't know what she's doing when she sneaks open the fridge and take food to eat under her bed. Of course, if she bothered to hide the wrappers, I wouldn't have to know about it.

Two Brothers

2011-12-18T20:11:00.000-08:00

Have you seen Two Brothers? It's fantastic. The filmmaker (Rick Stevenson) followed a couple of brothers for ten years and interviewed them yearly and recorded portions of their lives. What I loved most was seeing how the brothers' relationship with each other matured over time. It gives me hope for my own children. No matter how messed up their relationships seem, there is a strong possibility that one day the fighting will cease and they'll become friends. Streaming the movie is only $2.99. Watch it. You won't be disappointed.

Santa Breakfast

2011-12-10T11:18:00.001-08:00

One party down. Two to go. Today. Because we're party animals like that.

Elliott saw Santa first. Before I knew he had arrived. So no photo. Graeden promised Tymon not to tell the other kids who the man behind the beard is. Jett looks good. It was all we could do to even get Jocelyn to be happy about seeing him. Kira was fine...until she started pulling on Santa.

Graeden and Jett helped Nana and Bapa do the puppet show "Grouchy Bear". They did well. Most of the time. Jett stood up and traced the stage with his hand toward the end and started waving his arms in the air. We're thinking he needs some more positive attention so he doesn't think he needs to act out to get it.

Having the show after Santa unintentionally helped the logistics of party clean up flow smoothly. All the kids were in another room watching the show while adults got all the tables and food put away lickety split. With no kids running around the gym. Nice.

I got a good chuckle after putting the photos on my screen to find photos of urine in motion. Look at those droplets. Fascinating. I'm grateful that there were no private parts in the photos. Judging from the photos of furniture and door handles that came before this one and the back of Graeden at the toilet, I think that Jocelyn was the photographer.

Create

2011-12-03T18:28:00.001-08:00

It's not just creating babies. I like creating other stuff, too. I made a handbag for Jocelyn last night...because she was ~~looking at~~ messing around with my extra fabric from a second table runner I made. She loves her handbag. It's lots better than putting her drawings in a plastic grocery sack. The only problem is that she wears it around her neck. Maybe I should do a backpack for her next.

I'm in love with my sewing machine. Not that it's anything special. It's not. But I like it even more than my computer right now. Of course that could also be because my identity was stolen yesterday. I saw a big charge on our online banking page from Piperlime.com. I thought it was Tymon getting me a birthday present. I got really excited. Then it occurred to me that either this is a really really great present OR it wasn't a valid charge. So I gave him a call.

Me: Did you make a purchase this morning at Piperlime?

Him: What's Piperlime?

Right. So my next step was to call the bank. Then Piperlime. Then the sheriff. Then file and FBI report. Ugh! Not exactly what I planned to do yesterday. When I went into the bank, they gave me a temporary debit card that I can use in between now and when my new card comes. That was cool. So even though I should be okay against additional usage of my stolen card number, I was way more comfortable just shutting down my computer. Time for stronger security.

I wonder if cyber thieves feel as great creating ripples in our lives as we do creating items that are real and tangible.

Kira's Christmas Stocking I finished a few hours after this post.

Attn: Texans and East Coasters

2011-12-01T14:16:00.001-08:00

I've got the perfect giveaway for you. $25 Advance Auto Parts Gift Card Can't use it? No matter. It's perfect for re-gifting this holiday season. Guaranteed to be mailed out next week.

The Gratitude Game

2011-11-30T00:13:00.001-08:00

We played the Gratitude game for Family Home Evening Monday night. Here are the rules:
1. Sit in a circle.
2. Take turns saying one thing you're thankful for.
3. You can not repeat anything anyone else has said.
4. If you cannot say something within 5 seconds then you're out.
5. The last one out is the winner.

We didn't have a winner. Or rather we were all winners. After 10 minutes we stopped the game because no one had gone out and we still had plenty of things on our thankful lists. Elliott really surprised me. His family and faith were the first handful of things he mentioned. Not that I'm surprised that he loves me or Jesus. It's just that he didn't once mention the Wii. Or computer. Or toys for that matter. His heart wasn't focused on anything material. I just love that. Jett was the same. Jocelyn repeated that she was thankful for Jett on about 5 different turns. We let her keep playing even with the repeats. She is only three. :o) It's too bad Graeden fell asleep early. I would have liked to have heard what he said.

Graeden's Baptism

2011-11-29T23:10:00.001-08:00

Graeden chose to be baptized last Saturday. I'm so happy for him and that he wants to follow Jesus. We had a beautiful service with family and friends in attendance. Graeden asked Cousin Roger to give the talk about baptism. I'm happy that the bonds we are nurturing with Roger and his family during our yearly camping trip have yielded spiritual fruits. Uncles Brett and JC and cousins Anjah and Amele sang the song "Baptism". Brett accompanied it with the guitar. I just love that song with the guitar. It sounded similar to this one. Cousin Breanna and Nana alternated playing the piano and leading the music.

I spoke about the Holy Ghost and about a few times that I've felt his influence in my life. I chose examples that I thought Graeden could relate to.

1. How I know that it's time to share my testimony on fast and testimony day in church. (My arm hair sticks up and my heart beats fast.)
2. I felt like I needed to correct the mistake of the scout office cashier. When I got to the car and looked at my receipt, I found that she mistakenly charged Graeden's $22.50 shirt as a $1.50 badge.
3. The distinct impression I felt as I read a newspaper ad seeking host families that we were that family for Jovana.

Every time we follow spiritual promptings, we receive blessings. Being blessed with courage and the words to speak when standing in front of others confirms the truth of what we say in our own hearts and minds. Choosing honesty when no one else would know any different builds integrity and trust. Inviting Jovana to live in our home even though we had a LOT going on yielded blessings I probably won't comprehend until the next life.

Mostly, I hope I shared some memorable stories with Graeden. I want him to know that the Spirit frequently guides me in my life. And I feel his presence in a variety of ways and in many settings. Not only that, but I hope Graeden will learn to follow promptings of the spirit as well.

I also did an object lesson about the Holy Ghost that uses refraction to teach how he guides us. If you haven't seen this and need to do a lesson on the Holy Ghost, check it out. Graeden asked me if it was magic after I did it. Nope. But sometimes that's the best way we have to explain how the Holy Ghost works. It's been 3 days since the baptism and Elliott mentioned to me tonight as I was making dinner that when he's baptized, he would like me to do the same talk. He liked it that much! What a sweet boy. It's times like these when I see fruits of my labors that I know something is sinking in and my boys are going to turn out alright.

After Graeden received the gift of the Holy Ghost and we opened our eyes, we found Jocelyn in the middle of the prayer circle. She was so cute. And just doing what we all would have liked to have done, too.

Cream Pies: You Must Whip It

2011-11-24T23:45:00.001-08:00

Tina in Slovenia believes having a 20 pound turkey is like "Science Fiction". I've never thought of it like that. It seems so normal to me. I thought that's how all turkeys are. But maybe it's just in America. We have a tendency to take something of a perfectly normal proportion and then super-size it.

Like our family for example. Every year there seem to be more of us. Here are some of the Johns' cousins. I didn't realize that Jocelyn wasn't in this photo until just now when I was preparing this blog post. She was busy, I guess. It takes a lot of effort to eat all the candy in the house and terrorize the other kids. Ha ha. Large families are fun.

Last night I made a couple pies with my cousins. Chocolate peanut butter and blueberry cream. They were fantastic. In fact, I think I'll get a slice now while I finish working on this post. A few of you have asked for my recipe. It's not mine. But I'll share it anyway. Thank you Cousin Cathy for your excellent tutelage. I appreciate it lots.

Cream Pie Recipe

1. Pour 2 cups of heavy cream into a mixing bowl.

You must whip it.

2. When it's stiff with great ridges,

add 10 ounces of cream cheese.

Now you must whip it.

Into shape.

Shape it up.

3. Add one cup of powdered sugar.

It's not too late.

To whip it.

Whip it good.

4. Pour filling into a pre-baked pie shell.

5. Spread a quarter cup of your favorite jam on top.

But don't whip it.

For the chocolate peanut butter variation, insert a cup of peanut butter after step three.

Be sure to whip it.

Whip it up.

Whip it smooth.

Continue with step four. Replace step five with chocolate. Microwave a half cup of chocolate chips with a tablespoon of heavy cream for maybe 15 or 20 seconds. Stir until smooth. Make it a nice and smooth and spread it on top. And remember. Do not whip it. You're done whipping.

I love finding photos of events I didn't witness. I had no idea Tymon was facilitating the whipped cream funny business.

Breanna (next to Graeden above) captured a very cute Kira moment. I love the composition and framing of the shot.

In other news, what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving day (besides my fantastic family, faith and freedom) is MY MISSING WALLET! Jett found it this morning. And just as I had suspected, it was in Jocelyn's room. Under her bed. Hmmmmm. That's interesting. She told me she didn't know where it was. I even offered her some candy if she found it. I hadn't looked in her room due to her negative response. Good thing Jett did while we were preparing this morning for guests to come.

Strike!

2011-11-22T22:56:00.001-08:00

Have I ever mentioned that the best part of bowling with kids is that the lanes have bumpers? Yeah, no gutter balls for me. In fact, I got a strike after my ball hit the bumper, ricocheted off and nailed that first pin. Love it!

Moving Along

2011-11-22T00:07:00.001-08:00

I should probably post a little about the last holiday before the next one begins...

I nursed Kira and roasted pumpkin seeds while my family carved pumpkins.

I did help Jocelyn with hers, though.

And by help, I mean I did it for her.

She took a healthy bite out of the top of it.

Bless her.

Tymon did his hardest carving to date.

I loved it.

We decorated our house.

Went trick or treating.

Bapa dressed up as Broom Hilda to pass out candy.

Graeden shot him with his new gun.

I'm pretty sure Spider-man doesn't carry a gun, though.

Kira is getting stronger and moving a lot more.

It's been a few weeks since she started rolling over.

She got pretty worked up over it.

But she does fine now.

Unless we ignore her for more than three seconds.

Occasionally, I've seen her get her bum in the air.

Wondering when she'll get her legs underneath to start rocking.

I just love this little girl.

Life keeps moving along at a steady pace.

Whether I'm ready for it or not.

Mostly, I'm not.

I just ordered a replacement driver's license.

I lost mine.

I think it's somewhere around my house.

Or car.

It's hiding with my debit card.

And credit card.

And a pile o' cash.

On Friday Jocelyn had a melt down in the fabric store.

I wouldn't buy her a kit to make her own sock monkey.

Kicking and screaming we made our way to the check out counter.

While paying she grabbed a pack of M&Ms and ripped it open.

Candy scattered EVERYWHERE.

I couldn't pay fast enough.

I bolted out the door

With Jocelyn under one arm

And Kira in her car seat in the other.

That was the last time I saw my wallet.

I noticed it was missing on Saturday.

I searched everywhere.

Prayed to find it.

Searched some more.

Went back to the store and checked out the parking lot.

No one has used my cards, though.

So it makes me think it's somewhere in my house.

I haven't searched everywhere.

I could clean Jocelyn's room.

That's a chore that needs doing.

And usually yields great finds.

Tasty Flop

2011-11-14T23:22:00.001-08:00

Last night, I produced this artisan flop.

At least the color was nice.

It tasted fine.

And we all had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.

Tonight I await my next loaves...
It's called bird seed bread.
8 grain but no nuts.

I ran out of yeast in the middle of the recipe.

I had to run to the store to get more.
I'm just not confident in the dough.

Just how good is a recipe with half the yeast added in an hour later?

Here they are.
Fresh from the oven.
I'll have to save my review for the morning.

I really want to master this bread making business.
There's just so much to learn.

Artisan Bread

2011-11-08T23:30:00.000-08:00

It's decision time. Will I continue to make a mockery of the staple food of life? Or shall I master the art of baking bread? Last week, I did Bread-Making, part one with a group of church ladies. I loved it. I've made it a few times this week and not in my bread maker, either. I know you've gotten some good laughs with Bunny Bread and his friends. But this class is helping fill in some gaps of understanding and moving me to the next level. I bought the book, Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day and love it. I'm already learning some of the scientific stuff around bread making. It's what I've been needing for a long time.

Tonight was Bread Making, part two. We learned about sour doughs and this time our teacher was fairly technical in his descriptions and instructions. We got to sample a few different kinds of bread and I'm in heaven. I think if I made bread even remotely similar to what I experienced tonight that my kids would think store bought anything tasted like garbage. Look at these baguettes. We made some tonight that looked almost just like them. I'm leaning toward putting in the effort to learn the bread making skill. For both me and my kids.

Awkward

2011-11-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

My situation is awkward and I don't know how to un-awkwardize it. That's not even a word. But it's about how comfortable I feel about what's going on. After three years of living in our home, we've decided to bite the bullet and get window coverings. Until we moved in, I didn't realize how many options were available nor how much they would all cost. Doing one or two windows is inexpensive enough. But we have 27. When we first moved in, I had the Costco Home lady come and do measurements...and found out I couldn't stomach the price of the project at hand. I've got a much stronger stomach now. Ha ha. We're ready to do it.

We've decided to do shutters. My neighbor got some a month or so ago and she showed me what they did. Since we have the same house model, I was able to see in real life what they'd look like in our house. They're fantastic!.I called a couple of places to get estimates on prices and she also told me the company she worked with was less expensive than Costco. So combined that's like checking out 4 places. I called her company and the guy came out to measure and give me a quote. We decided to do the project and verbally agreed on the price, but then I got to thinking. Customers don't know this, but merchants do, credit card companies make anywhere between 1.5% to 3% of each credit transaction a business accepts. I don't like to pay that. So I decided to ask if I could get a lower price if I paid by check instead of credit card. The business gets the same amount of money but we've cut Visa right out of the deal.

The salesman that came out said no, he wouldn't do that. He was concerned that the total of the project would be less and his commission would decrease. Well, that's not exactly what he said, but close enough. The reasoning didn't sit well with me and struck me as really selfish. But since it took me three years to commit to doing window coverings I didn't want to back out now.

I ended up taking my price quote to yet another company to see how they compared. They were about the same but wanted my business. I mean 27 windows is a huge order. So they worked their number magic and beat the original quote by $1500. Sweet. And company #1 is now grumbling. They'll match #2's price, but "don't know how #2 could possibly give such a low bid". I've got a good idea. They both use the same manufacturer for the shutters but #2 doesn't have to pay a sales commission. I love cutting out the middle man.

Yet, here I am feeling some sort of an obligation to go with company #1 since they've actually been to my house but I like the personalities of company #2 better. Working with #1 could be awkward. Especially with the salesman whose commission is now way lower with the matching of the reduced price. Why'd he have to say something dumb that made me rethink the entire deal? And why is it so hard for me to tell one of the companies "no"? It doesn't have to be. It's just awkward.

Being Eight Is Great!

2011-10-29T19:12:00.000-07:00

My baby boy is eight. This morning we decorated the house. Made popcorn balls and pizza sauce. This afternoon we celebrated with a few of his friends. Performed puppet shows. Ran around the house. Jumped on packing bubbles. Made individual pizzas. Ran around around the house. Ate pizza. Opened presents. What a claustrophobic experience! He wanted pumpkin pie instead of cake. That's cool. And amazingly enough everyone finished theirs. Graeden's upstairs now. Putting together his new Lego pirate ship. Maybe I should make dinner. Nah. Would rather be blogging. And eating popcorn balls.

Brotherly Love

2011-10-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

On afternoons like today, I smile and feel warm even though the cool autumn weather has arrived. I was on my computer when I looked over to see Elliott teaching Kira how to play Pokemon. The best part is that she seemed to be enjoying it.

That or she was filling her pants. And Elliott changed it. Without being asked.

This boy is seriously so sweet. Don't think he's like this all the time. He's not. In fact, he instigates trouble (like in this post) more so than any other child of mine. But where Kira is concerned, he is the best big brother in the world. It's days like these that give me hope for my boys' future. They do a lot of things right.

2011 Team Johns Photos

2011-10-19T17:45:00.000-07:00

Story of my life:

Thank you Liz!

Amox Rash

2011-10-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

Sweet little Kira's ears are infected...since last week. We got her on amoxicillin and she felt better for a time. She's also one of the lucky few who get to experience an amox rash. The rash doesn't necessarily mean that Kira's allergic to the drug. Apparently, it's more about the bacteria that's causing the infection and how it doesn't like the amoxicillin getting up in its face so they fight it out.

We got a new antibiotic today. I hope she likes it better. And sleeps through the night. She's been up the past two nights. I don't like that very much. Last night we lost her binkie. Of course it was after the other kids were in bed so I didn't want to wake them up to make a store run. So I was her binkie all night long. Ugh.

The exciting news is that Kira is gaining weight. Not a lot mind you, but at least she's not stagnant anymore. I bought a kitchen scale so I could keep track of it at home. She started eating better last Friday. The same day we got the "unfounded" CPS allegations letter. Makes me think s few of Kira's problems are stress-induced. And now that I'm breathing easier I'm making creamier milk. Yes!

Life After Death: The Impact of Encouragement

2011-10-11T17:47:00.000-07:00

Check me out on Impact Week at the House of Sarager:

The first time I heard about Jovana I was reading an ad in our town's weekly newspaper. The writer was looking for host families for a few exchange students for the school year. Not planning on hosting, I read on. When it mentioned a girl from Serbia needed a home, I knew we were that family. I talked to my husband who was open to having an exchange student and within a half an hour I had emailed the coordinator to find out more.

I thought I wanted Jovana in our home because she comes from a culture that is similar to the one I experienced as a missionary in my younger years. Slovenia will always hold a special place in my heart. It used to be a part of Serbia back when the country was called Yugoslavia. Having a Serbian exchange student seemed to be just about as close as I could get to having a Slovene in my home.

I was wrong, though. Looking back, I don't think culture mattered. I believe God gave Jovana and I an opportunity to share a part of our lives together because He knew, as individuals, we would both need it. Especially, me.

A few weeks after Jovana arrived, our 15 month old son passed away. It was unexpected, sudden, and devastating. It didn't seem real to me. I couldn't believe I was living in this nightmare. Things like this don't happen. Not to me. Or my family. We're good people. No, this was not happening.

Except it did happen. And in these moments when I wanted to hide under a rock and never see the light of day, God had something different planned for me. My Evan died on a Tuesday. His funeral was on Saturday. What you may not know is that I was very pregnant at the time. My prayers pleading to hurry up and have this baby turned into prayers to not go into labor in the middle of the funeral. Baby Jocelyn was born Monday evening.

I needed help. With everything. My husband was amazing. He was able to take a couple weeks off of work and we grew stronger as we faced Grief together. When he went back to work, I should have felt alone. Just me, Grief and the children. But I didn't. Jovana came home every afternoon and we talked together. Sometimes, I'd help her with her homework. Other times, we sat together and remembered Evan. We laughed and cried at the memories. She loved and missed him, too. Her love for my boy touched my soul.

It didn't just stop there, though. Jovana saw what needed to be done around the house and took the initiative to fulfill the duties that I was seriously slacking on. Come hell or high water, she'd always have the dishes done before she went to bed. Even if she'd stayed after school for a debate practice or spent hours writing a paper.

Jovana is like a sponge. She wants to learn everything she can. We went shopping for groceries and I taught her about foods and nutrition. She wanted to know how to make American food and we cooked dinner together. When driving around I taught her the names of Magnolia tress and Rhododendron bushes. She wanted to understand my obsession with the Twilight series and I gave her the first novel to read. With each question or experience I helped Jovana understand, she gave me an added measure of appreciation, self worth and confidence in return.

Jovana strongly believes that everything happens for a reason. And I agree with her. Heavenly Father meant for her to live with our family. He knew the impact she would have on my life. I would not only need the love and support of my friends and family to face Grief, but I'd also need someone by my side, every day, gently encouraging me to pick up my life and live.

Uncomfortable Questions

2011-10-10T22:04:00.000-07:00

I logged into Netflix the other day and found this "Recently Watched" screen. Since Tymon is out of town and I didn't watch this show, I was pretty confused. Especially, with the "Scary Suspenseful Psychological Movies" listed right next to it. If you look at Udaan closer you can read the words XXX, Lingerie, Power, Love, Sexy on the cover. It's also unrated. Oh boy! Apparently, I'm a little on edge. I asked Tymon about it. He didn't remember it. I sent him the screen shot. Nope, he didn't watch it. And apparently, Netflix isn't available in Europe.

That means our children, who access our Netflix account for all of their Scooby Doo needs, watched it. What kind of garbage have I allowed into my home?! They only watched it for 4 minutes, but Tymon and I both wanted to know why they turned it off. Did they just realize it wasn't a cartoon? Did they see something inappropriate? Since Tymon can't investigate, it fell to me to find out.

Turns out Udaan is not a cartoon, but rather a Hindi film...with English subtitles. Ha ha. They turned it off because they didn't want to read. Phew! What a relief! I decided to watch it, though. It's a coming of age story that's actually pretty good.

I'm still a little nervous about our computers remembering passwords to Netflix and other media at home. Especially, when my boys and I had a conversation last night about what sex means. I guess I handled that one okay because then they asked me if douche was a bad word. Because Alex and Devan said that it was. How many 6 and 7 year olds know that douche in French means shower? Ha ha. Mine do. I hope I did okay on that one, too. I would prefer they come to me with their questions rather than get questionable information from their friends.

It reminds me of the time when I was 12 and reading a book from the young adult section of the library. I asked my mom what oral sex meant. First, she asked me what I was reading. I think she wanted to know the name of the book. Instead, I read her the passage I didn't understand. Then, she told me what it meant. I don't remember if she took the book away or not.

I do remember a conversation about oral sex, though. She told me that when she went to BYU in the mid-1960s there was a popular saying on the dating scene, "if it's oral, it's moral." That shocked me. Now, after having been a young adult, I understand the use of justifications much better. I'm so glad that part of my life is behind me.

I'm grateful for my mom's example and talking with me about any topic I chose. I always knew I could come to her with my questions.

Impact Week

2011-10-10T10:19:00.000-07:00

As far as I can tell (searching our email correspondence), I "met" Jackie Sarager about a year and a half ago blog surfing. Either she or I saw the other's comment on a third blog and then sought the other out. Funny how that works. I've actually never met her in person, but she has more power over my purchasing habits than any other blogger I read. Ha ha. I think I've only bought 2 or 3 things after seeing her post about it, but that's more than anyone else.

It's IMPACT WEEK at House of Sarager with daily guest posts on how God makes an impact on our lives. My post: Life After Death, The Impact of Encouragement will be featured on Tuesday, October 11, 2011. Go see it. Especially you, Jovana. I know you'll like it.

CPS Investigation: Unfounded

2011-10-08T18:42:00.000-07:00

I couldn't scan the letters fast enough. And oddly enough, my anxiety didn't decrease after reading that "the allegations of abuse and neglect against you are unfounded." For both Kira and Evan. I should be happy. And I am. But the feeling of uneasiness is still with me.

I guess I also wanted an apology note attached to it. Something like this...

Dear Mrs. Johns,

We apologize for trying to rip apart your family and for the undue stress our false accusations inflicted upon you these past couple months. We understand that you had to force feed yourself, had difficulty nursing Kira and ended up losing ten pounds. While this is regrettable, there is a bright side! At least you lost some of the baby weight.

Because we don't have children and are consequently perfect parents, we felt it our duty to inform you of child-rearing best practices. We're sorry that we misinterpreted what you said about allowing Graeden and Elliott to pick up Kira. You are correct, that is actually not the same as allowing them to "rough house" with her. Thank you for your diligent research and the time and effort you spent collecting your family's records. If it weren't for that we never would have known how much certain doctors twisted the facts into their own false accusations.

Please be on your best behavior for the next 6 years. If you are, we will destroy these records. If someone else falsely accuses you, we'll have to keep them around for a while.

Kindest Regards,
Your Big-Hearted Social Workers

A letter like this wouldn't be too much to ask for would it? We've now gotten records from Children's Hospital. They kept them until after the investigation was finished...like keeping the payer of the bills in the dark is a great idea. That's not right. In them I found that my description of the our kids' interactions with Kira (Elliott carrying her) was translated as "rough housing". Really? That really irks me. Rough housing with an infant would cause serious injury and likely death. Kira has never been rough housed.

Part of me just wants to be done with this whole ordeal. Another part, larger than the first, wants the record corrected. I don't want to meet these falsehoods down the road and have them bite us in the butt. I also wonder what the CPS and Sheriff's office reports say. Don't worry, I've requested those, too.

The next line of our letter after the statement that the allegations were unfounded says that they either didn't happen or there was insufficient evidence to make that determination. I thought that CPS had a guilty until proven innocent mentality. I was wrong. I'm uneasy about our results because it's tainted with the attitude: if you're accused you're guilty. CPS has too much money to terrorize so many families. They shouldn't be allowed to do any investigations of child abuse or neglect unless law enforcement has investigated wrong doing and charged the parents with a crime.

Plump Up

2011-10-04T23:17:00.000-07:00

I think it's been about 2.5 years since I resolved to only buy candy for Halloween and Easter. It's been very positive for me. Less positive for my brothers since I eat all of their treats. But overall, I've drastically reduced my consumption and consequently my addiction to candy has just about disappeared.

I think it's safe to say that this week, I've fallen off the not-buying-candy bandwagon. You might even say I jumped off.

It all started innocently enough. With fetal-Kira, I was going in for weekly and then twice weekly non-stress tests. To "pass" a NST, the baby needs to have two accelerated heart rates. Those come from movement or in response to contractions. Well Miss Kira was always asleep during the tests. And I'd have to sit there with the monitor on for a long time. At least 45 minutes and once about an hour and a half. It was ridiculous. So I got the bright idea that if I ate some candy right before the test then she would wake up, move and I'd be out of there faster.

I bought some candy. It wasn't Easter. It wasn't Halloween. I justified it plenty. And the justification worked. It's too bad that the candy didn't work on Kira. They used a little buzzer on my belly to wake her up most times.

I don't go to Trader Joe's very often. Just a handful of times per year because there isn't one near my house. But a couple of weeks ago, I was there and remembered that they sell candy without food dye. That's so much better for you than the regular candy with Red #40 and other artificial colors. They also sell Panda licorice (ingredients: molasses, wheat flour, licorice extract, aniseed oil). This is almost "healthy" enough to serve for dinner. Ha ha. So, I bought a bunch of candy. And since it was dye-free, I justified it.

Tymon is in London right now on a business trip. The day before he left was Jocelyn's birthday. When Jocelyn and I were at the store, I picked him up some cinnamon bears (one of his faves) for the trip. And while in the candy aisle, the birthday girl wanted a treat, too. I obliged. And I got me some licorice and sour patch watermelon candy.

Somewhere deep inside of me,

I had to rebel against my own rule.

It was time.

I created it.

I will destroy it.

Yesterday I was at the store and decided that I needed more licorice. And since the box of mini-Charleston Chews looked good, I picked up some of those, too. In fact, I ate the entire box while writing this post. It's like my "I've had enough" filter is broken. I must consume everything.

Today I saw that Hot Tamales cinnamon candy was on sale for $1 a box. And yes, you guessed it. I bought some and ate them all afternoon while the kids were at school.

I even stay up later than the kids so I can be on the computer and eat candy to my heart's content. It's a travesty. The candy addiction has returned in full force.

I should be disappointed in myself. Except that candy gives me instant satisfaction. I've turned into a sugar monster. Ahhh! This can't be good! Then again, maybe Kira will want to nurse more and plump up with all of my sweet sweet milk.

Project Runway Conference Style

2011-10-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

I bought a skirt a few days ago that I really liked and would have liked it more if it were a touch longer. Usually, I don't buy things that I have to alter. But it was on sale and just this once, I decided to do it anyway. Mainly it was because if I spent $50 in one transaction then I could get $10 off my next purchase. Since I didn't have $50 in purchases without the skirt, I had to buy it. I wanted to make sure I actually did alter it, so yesterday, I went to the fabric store and found some ribbon that I could sew along the hemline. So far so good. I have a plan and everything I need to finish it.

This weekend was to the worldwide conference for my church. A few years ago, going to the church to watch conference with all of my children would have been fairly stressful. Imagine my kids running around like crazies and me either trying to calm them or just sitting there trying to pretend that they don't belong to me. These days, I'm loving the technology that allows me to stream each session via the internet at home. What a blessing!

It's not all effective listening at home, though. Sometimes, I get my blanket and lay down on the couch. Occasionally my eyes close so I can really internalize the message. I tell myself I'm still listening. It's just so warm and cozy on the couch that sometimes my mind starts to wander. Once or twice I've even been known to start dreaming. It's really the most peaceful drifting off into sleep that I've ever experienced.

I've found that for me, the most effective way to hear each speaker is if I'm actively engaged in doing something. Yesterday it was organizing my room. Today it was making pancakes in the morning. And this afternoon, the Project Runway in me crawled out and wanted to express itself. And really, if I don't alter the skirt now, I probably never will.

It took me way too long to do this. I'm sad to admit that the tension on my sewing machine was whacked out and so my whole skirt was being gathered when I sewed the ribbon to it. My parents stopped by for a few minutes this afternoon, though and my mom un-bunched it. I'm grateful for my mom's help. She's quite the seamstress. I'm not so much. But I have been watching Project Runway this season and so in my mind my skills are greater than they really are. Ha ha. Here is my finished project:

Now what would be really cool is if I could tell you what any of the speakers said today...I can't. But I do remember one from last week in the women's session of conference. I was having a very hard time listening to the speakers. My mind was everywhere besides in the present. Then Elder Dieter Uchtdorf spoke about the forget-me-not flowers and it was like a fog was clearing from my mind. If you didn't get a chance to hear him, do it now. You won't regret it.

Distracted

2011-09-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

dis·tract·ed

adjective /disˈtraktəd/

Unable to concentrate because one's mind is preoccupied

- Charlotte seemed too distracted to give him much attention
- she ran her fingers through her hair in a distracted fashion

Troubled or distraught

- distracted with grief

I've been meaning to write this post for a while. I just haven't. I've been preoccupied. It's not the same like it is when I'm pregnant. No, nothing like that. It's more similar to the time after Evan passed away. My mind was certainly elsewhere for a long time back then.

This time is different. I'm having difficulty staying present in just about every conversation I have. Or with any book I try to read. Or any lesson I teach. Or post I plan to write. Whether I'm at home, work, or church; it doesn't matter. If I'm with friends, family, or strangers; it makes no difference. It's a struggle for me to focus. Or for my mind to clear.

Despite this, I've still managed getting together a small birthday party for Jocelyn. It wasn't too difficult. Just dinner at a local Mongolian grill and ice cream at Baskin Robbins. That was yesterday. And today, I got a new crown, went to a few clothing stores and we did family photos before going to curriculum night at school. So I can push through it. It just takes a lot of effort. More than I'm used to giving. And I'm tired.

My mind reserves being in the present with just one person. It's Kira. I like to hold her, nurse her, change her diaper, sneak in snuggles and kisses and even get her to smile. She is truly a gift.

The Light Comes On

2011-09-26T23:23:00.000-07:00

Tymon: Check out this light bulb. I just pulled it out of the package and it looks like it's rusted.

Bridget: Mm Hmm. (cooking dinner)

Tymon: Do you think the Pilot can hold my weight?

Bridget: Huh? (still cooking)

T: You know, the front panel?

B: I'd prefer you not stand on the car. Does it have a roof rack you could stand on?

T: That's not going to work.

B: Why don't you get a stool?

T: It's a foot too short.

B: Why don't you get the ladder out of the basement?

T: (walks away)

T: (comes back pleased with himself) Hey, come here and check this out!

I didn't realize until going out to the garage that all he was trying to do was change a light bulb.

His too-short stool solution? Stacking the step ladder on top of two stools and a stroller (hopefully with the wheels locked). He's creative, that's for sure.

Play by Play Angel Day

2011-09-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Angel Day 2011

4:45 am - wake up early to nurse Kira.

5:15 am - get dressed, rummage around my closet and find the $200 car key I lost last November!

6:00 am - on the road and praying for fluid speech during my presentation later that morning.

6:15 am - practice speaking out loud - "Classroom Activities: How to Fool Any Teen into Learning"

6:30 am - constructive self-critique

6:31 am - nausea sets in

7:45 am - arrive at conference and test my presentation on the big screen

10:05 am - fumble for a minute

10:06 am - show one of my favorites

10:07 am - squeal like the last guy in the commercial, find my confidence and proceed with an awesome interactive presentation (Kira behaved ideally)

10:53 am - cut our last activity short as I've only got 2 more minutes

11:45 am - lunch break or rather my chance to leave the conference early

11:45 - 12:05 pm - talked to a handful of teachers about various classroom activities

12:10 pm - discovered a parking ticket in my brother's highly recommended "free parking spot"

1:30 pm - taped my ticket to my brother's computer (he was still at the conference and hadn't yet discovered his)

2:15 pm - meeting at my office

3:57 pm - call from neighbor - our boys outside playing for a couple hours - the school ignored our note for childcare plans (ride a different bus after school)

4:00 pm - picked up one of our new driver's ed vehicles from the dealer

2012 Mustang - pending wrapping and dual controls

4:05 pm - Tymon came home early

5:45 pm - arrive home and feed Kira

6:30 pm - pick up Jocelyn from friend's house

6:45 pm - hide and seek in cemetery and reading Evan's story with beautiful river view

7:45 pm - dinner at McDonald's

7:55 pm - "Hey Mom, at least your Big Mac doesn't have plastic in it!" -Graeden

7:56 pm - me trying to calm my stomach - haven't had a Big Mac since December 6, 2010

8:45 pm - arrive home, read scriptures, sing bedtime songs, Elliott tickled Kira's toes and she laughed for the first time. Two times. So cute.

9:30 pm - try to make blog post

9:45 pm - could only upload photos

10:00 pm - fell into bed and was fast asleep

Angel day was packed. Not on purpose or by design. It just happened. And grief takes a back seat. Waiting to come around some other day.

Hand of God: Echo

2011-09-21T22:57:00.000-07:00

Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us today? Most definitely.

I am reminded today of an ancient lesson the prophet Lehi taught his son Jacob; it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. Without the bitter we do not truly know the sweet. Kira is a living breathing example of such a physical phenomenon. We found out during her echocardiagram that her branch arteries are growing to meet the demands of her blood flow. Her cardiologist wants to see her again in six months...and if everything continues to progress as it is now, we won't need to come back for any more follow-up visits. We have been praying for several months that Kira will be able to run and play with her siblings. I am confident that one day she will.

A couple of months ago, at Kira's last echo, they took some blood to do genetic tests. They looked specifically at a couple of syndromes that have branch artery problems associated with them. We got the negative results for those today, too. Yay!

Kira's still got other issues that we're looking into. I'm wondering if her body slowed it's normal growth pattern so it could concentrate on getting her arteries bigger. I'm not sure if we'll ever be able to answer that, but in case there are mal-absorption issues we are having her bowel movements tested. Testing fecal matter is a little gross. If you'd come over half an hour ago, you would have caught me scraping Kira's stool into a container to take to the lab tomorrow.

I really liked that the procedure room at Children's had a movie for Jocelyn to watch. They also have crayons and coloring pages and little packages of graham crackers. Jocelyn was semi-decent for the 2.5 hours we were there. She did use the potty three times in the first 45 minutes. I'm trying not to be annoyed with that. At least she didn't have an accident. Though I'm not sure if she really went after the first time...she wouldn't allow me to come in after that. If I did, she screamed at me to get out. I'm sure this is just a small indication of what she'll be like as a teenager.

Hand of God: Heike

2011-09-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us today? Absolutely. Today it was through the the best midwife on the planet, Heike. It was time for my 6 week follow up visit...first delayed by a birth and then for an entire month while she was in the Dominican Republic getting married. We had a lot to talk about. Kira's birth. Kira's clavicle. Kira's brain bleed. CPS.

It took a moment for Heike to comprehend what I said about CPS investigating us. When my words clicked, her eyes grew wide and she dropped the f-bomb. Then immediately apologized. Her uncensored reactions endear her to me.

Heike gave me some wild information. She told me that lots of babies have brain bleeds. That's the reason why they are given vitamin K at birth. I had no idea how common it is. She learned more about brain bleeding from an in depth conversation with a local neonatologist. Long story short. A baby she delivered at the birth center started seizing about 5 hours after birth. She took him to the hospital (a couple blocks away from the birth center). He had a brain bleed and the clot got to the part of the brain in charge of seizing.

Short story longer....in a study done by the University of North Carolina, 26% of babies born vaginally had brain bleeds. The bleeding doesn't seem to have any adverse affects on the baby and goes away on its own. But it does happen. All the time. I'm pretty sure Jen and Kristen at CPS don't know this. And I'm wondering if Dr. Feldman, knows about this, too. He didn't mention it to Jen. Only said the bleed may have happened as a result of Kira being dropped by a sibling. What I need to do tomorrow when I'm at Children's for Kira's follow-up echo is to talk to the radiologist and see if she can date the bleed beyond "likely older than one week". Maybe it's a birth injury.

Hand of God: Investigation

2011-09-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us today? Yes. We thank you for your prayers on our behalf. We have felt them

Tymon and I met with Jen, CPS social worker, and her supervisor, Kristin, today. I wasn't sure how well I should like Kristin. She seemed nice but could have been a wolf in sheep's clothing. However, she also told us that she had three boys and really seemed to understand what we were saying when we were describing the atmosphere in our home.

I believe we were able to effectively resolve the questions they had about Kira and Evan. And Tymon only kicked me once under table so I'd curb my speech.

We expressed our concerns about the first "after-hours" social worker (Adrienne) who came to the door threatening to get a court order to remove Kira from our home if we didn't take her to the hospital that night. Kristin took some notes to forward on to that worker's supervisor. We also expressed the same concerns regarding the deputy that backed up Adrienne in taking Kira away from us as well as the ER doctor who told us if we didn't do the CT scan then CPS would take custody and do the test without our permission. And the third instance of us being threatened with taking away Kira was Jen.

Yeah, that was awkward. Complaining to Jen's supervisor about Jen when Jen was sitting right there was definitely awkward. And something I hope they talk about later.

We also expressed our concerns about Dr. Feldman and his accuracy in reporting. Thanks to my friend Heidi, I had both radiology reports for Kira's bone survey and MRI. Jen and Kristin had never seen them. I definitely let them make a copy of my reports. The first one says that the clavicle fracture could be a birth injury.

We went through Dr. Feldman's report and marked out ten instances where he either twisted words from the police report or straight up got things wrong in his summary of the events leading up to Evan's death. We expressed our concern that Dr. Feldman doesn't work with young infants often enough to know that it's his hospital's standard operating procedure to try non-sedated MRIs on babies under three months old. We also took the opportunity to educate Jen and Kristin on how common clavicle birth injuries are (up to 7% of all newborns), what a callus is and how bones grow back together. Yes, I even drew a diagram on the whiteboard for them.

The only thing we have left to do for the investigation is to submit a few character references from family and friends. And then we wait. They want to close investigations within 45 days of the start date (Aug. 27th) and are not planning on investigating us further. The allegations can be founded, unfounded or inconclusive. A new law (2008) allows records to be destroyed after six years if the allegations were unfounded or inconclusive (provided that no new investigations happen before the records are destroyed). It used to be that once you have a record, you always have a record even if you were falsely accused. I'm happy that Washington State law has changed. It's so wrong to keep records forever when findings were unfounded or inconclusive. Gives me the shivers to think about how much power the government has over our families.

10/7/11 Update
CPS Investigation Result: Unfounded

Muffin Success

2011-09-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

Graeden tried his hand at muffins this morning. I must say they turned out fantastic. Way better than the last batch. I love how excited he gets to bake and how conscientious he was to measure each ingredient correctly.

In the morning, we will be meeting with our social worker. I pray that I'll be able to say what needs to be said and that I won't say things that won't help. I'm pretty sure ranting about Dr. Feldman fits into the not-productive speech category. And I should probably put a lid on my feelings. For them it's nothing personal.

Concerns

2011-09-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

We've never thought to get the police report on Evan's death before now. We got the investigation report this week and were reminded of many details that have long since left our minds. When CPS found out that we had a child die, they got the reports and gave them to their child abuse guru, Dr. Feldman. In a 3 page report about Kira, only 9 lines actually discuss Kira. The other 108 lines are dedicated to Evan.

Unfortunately, because of some statements from Dr. Feldman, we are also ordering a copy of Evan's autopsy. I won't lie. It ticks me off that Dr. Feldman has read Evan's autopsy and I haven't. And it really ticks me off that he is suspecting that even though Evan didn't die of child abuse, he thinks Evan was abused. He wrote, "There is not enough from the sum of the findings for me to conclude that Evan had been a victim of any foul play causing his death. However, the findings and circumstances are peculiar enough to still be concerned."

Dr. Feldman is concerned that we weren't grieving properly in the ER since one of the nurses wrote that down in the report. What she didn't write down and what Dr. Feldman doesn't know is that when she told us, "it's not looking good," she really meant "your son is dead". Yup, she was right. We weren't "properly grieving" because we didn't know our son had died. They were still working on him.

Dr. Feldman is concerned that Tymon and I reported that Evan was breathing when we found him and his lips were blue and his body was hot. He's concerned that we decided to drive to the hospital instead of calling for emergency help to come to us. It makes me wonder if Dr. Feldman has ever woken up to an emergency situation and had to make choices for better or for worse on limited knowledge.

He's concerned that Evan had some bruises on his head (no fractured skull or bleeding in the brain mind you - just bruising). He's concerned that Evan had some scratches on his face. I'm beginning to wonder if Dr. Feldman has been around children much. Or seen them climb. Or play. Evan had only been walking for 3 months. I wouldn't exactly describe him as 100% stable on his feet. But Dr. Feldman wouldn't know any of that because it's not in the report. And he hasn't taken the time to ask questions. Only accuse.

Dr. Feldman isn't the only one, though. I've also got concerns. I'm concerned that he is so wrapped up in abuse, he suspects all injuries are done maliciously. I'm concerned that he has taken words in the police report and twisted them into doubts. I'm concerned he's done the same thing with the autopsy. I'm concerned that his pessimism has turned my life upside down the past few weeks. And it will continue to be so for weeks or months into the future.

I'm concerned that Dr. Feldman doesn't understand that grief is cyclical. And Evan's Angel Day is coming up next Friday. Maybe Dr. Feldman would like to come and be with our family. He can come to dinner. Watch Evan's movies. Read Evan's photo books. Visit the cemetery. And watch us grieve. The hardest part about Dr. Feldman is feeling his condemning judgement when he's never even met us.

Thanks for letting me vent a little. In real life, I have at least one rant a day. But no one wants to read that. So, lest I be just like Dr. Feldman, I will be making efforts to see the glass half full. There are many good things that can come from this experience. And one of them is feeling the tremendous love and support of our friends and family. Thank you. We truly appreciate all of the thoughts and prayers sent our way.

10/7/11 Update
CPS Investigation Result: Unfounded

Non-sedated Infant MRI

2011-09-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

What would we do without social networks? Seriously. I love 'em.

One of the persistent demands of CPS has been to get Kira's brain imaged. We've politely declined a CT scan. Several times. About a week and a half ago, Dr. Feldman, the non-accidental trauma doctor, suggested that an MRI would work and there wouldn't be any radiation. But there would be sedation. Also not an option. What I needed was a non-sedation option for the MRI. It took 9 days for Children's hospital to not answer my questions before I turned to my social network.

A friend I've known for at least 20 years studied radiology a few years ago and is now working at Children's Hospital. I asked her if we could do a non-sedated MRI. She asked the guy that does them. Yup. Amazing. Going through the regular channels to get information was so frustrating. Call a friend and it's done right away. Thank you Heidi!

For non-sedated infant MRIs, they do what's called a fast and feed. Basically, this morning I fed Kira at 6:30 am and then nothing until early afternoon. I fed her when we arrived so she'd be sleepy for the test. And she was sleepy, for the most part. But alert for some of it, too. And she behaved beautifully. I am happy she did so well, because I didn't have a plan B if it didn't work. I do not want to expose her to unnecessary risk.

Heidi was also able to get me copies of the skeletal survey Kira did in August. I left the building feeling successful and happy we could do the test on my terms and get records to help us. In the survey report the doctor and her resident doctor both note that Kira's fracture could be a birth injury. I called Tymon right away. Combining that with my delivery record means that Kira probably broke her clavicle at birth. Yay!

I came home to find several messages on my phone.
1. The Children's social worker who was supposed to coordinate my question asking with various departments. Uh, yeah, you're a little late.
2. Then a neuro-radiologist. Yup. Late, too.
3. Then Dr. Feldman. Kira has some "sub-acute bleeding in her head" and that the healing on her collarbone "would indicate that it was not from the time of the newborn period." Insert expletive here.
4. And last, Jen (CPS social worker) wanted to discuss the MRI results.

How come everyone sees the results of the test before me? I would really like to work with those investigating Kira's injuries. It's just that every time I turn around we're being accused of abuse. And the communication happens all around us instead of with us. I feel like I'm fighting to gain access to the inner circle. Boo!

10/7/11 Update
CPS Investigation Result: Unfounded

Slow Growth

2011-09-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

Today, like nearly every other day this week, has been full of new discoveries. I spent 2.5 hours at the pediatrician's office today for Graeden, Jocelyn and Kira's well-child check ups. It's a good thing I like their doctor.

Graeden was ecstatic about not getting any shots. It was fun to listen to him read the info sheet on all of the ones that Kira got. He expressed his gratitude that Kira didn't have all those diseases. Jocelyn was asked how high she could count. She began, "one, two, three," and was prompted with "what comes after three?" so she continued, "four, five, six, seven." "What comes after seven?" "Two." "Two? Two doesn't come after seven!" "No, I only two!" Ha ha ha. You're right Jocelyn. You're only two and counting to seven is certainly high enough.

My main concern is that Kira has not gained very much weight since birth. She looks healthy, but she's only 4 ounces above her birth weight. And she's 9 weeks old. She lost almost a pound in the first week of life...but that means she's only gained about a pound in 2 months. She nurses fine...though she likes to suck in air and we take special care to make sure she burps. She has plenty of wet and yellow dirty diapers, so I know she's getting nourishment. She is also a bit floppy. Her head control is better than it used to be...but not where it should be. And her hips are hyper mobile.

I'm wondering if her slow growth has affected the healing of her clavicle. I read Kira's delivery note in my birth records yesterday. I pushed out her head and then her "shoulders delivered with a short delay, patient [yours truly] unable to push, with posterior shoulder delivering first. Inspection of perineum revealed first degree mucous tear..." The scenario I've got playing in my mind now is that it's possible that Kira broke her clavicle at birth and the slow growth may affect her healing, which would also affect dating the injury.

Our pediatrician gave me a referral to consult with a geneticist. They're the scientists who put together all of the clues we have and come up with a fancy genetic disorder that will explain everything (ideally). But would this be a good thing? Sure, it may clear our names. But it would also mean that Kira may have a host of other medical problems plaguing her for the rest of her life.

We got Kira's skeletal survey images in the mail today.

Here she is screaming at the tech doing the x-rays. Kinda looks like Homer Simpson.

This is the one where she's trying to give a one finger salute but the plastic immobilization board trapped her hand before she finished.

And here is the infamous broken clavicle. Notice the white circular haze surrounding the break. It's called a callus, which may take up to a year to go away.

The Last Thing We Need: Escape Artist

2011-09-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

After the email I got from our CPS social worker yesterday, I was horrified to get the following phone call from my dad.

Dad: Hi honey, I just wanted to talk to you before you get a call from someone else.

Me: Huh?

Dad: We were playing at the park behind the church across the street from our house and having a good time. There were some church kids playing out there, too. Then I looked around and couldn't see Jocelyn. I searched for her and she had disappeared.

Me: (groaning - anxiety rising)

Dad: I went out toward the street and a lady had come to search for me. Apparently, Jocelyn decided to cross the street and go back to Nana's. A car slammed on the brakes to keep from hitting her. She called the police. I talked to the officer. He wanted your information. I gave him your name and phone number.

Me: You've got to be kidding me.

Dad: I wish I was. He told me not to worry. He wasn't going to call CPS. Just wanted to talk with me.

Me: Maybe you should have told him, "That's a relief! CPS is already investigating my daughter for neglect. She doesn't need this, too."

I'm thankful that the driver was able to stop and Jocelyn is safe. She could have been seriously hurt or died darting in front of a car. There was a pit in my stomach as I told Tymon. We have enough problems without adding a police encounter. We were thinking that maybe we shouldn't have my dad taking the kids to the park anymore. Then Tymon found a runaway child post on his blog. I'd forgotten about our first escape artist. Apparently, we've had kids disappear on our watch and police encounters, too.

Digging Deeper

2011-09-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

Jen, CPS - Social Worker III

Bridget, The allegation is “Negligent Treatment or Maltreatment” due to Kira having a broken clavicle with no explanation provided at the time of the intake. Both you and Tymon are subjects on this intake. I wanted to let you know that I spoke to your children at school today and according to the RCW (#26.44.030) I need to notify you at the “earliest possible point in the investigation” which was when I returned to my office around 2:30 when I called you and left you a message. I was hoping to speak to you on the phone or in person regarding the next issue. There has been a 72 hour intake received with regards to Evan Johns. The same protocol in reference to the above allegations will need to take place with this current allegation. I would like to meet with you and your husband and talk about the intakes. With most referrals there are allegations and findings. This particular intake regarding Evan alleges “negligent treatment or maltreatment” with both you and Tymon as “subjects” in the referral. I hope we can meet with regard to these intakes in order to resolve these current allegations. Thank you.

What?! Interviewing my children without my knowledge? Hoping to do what? Find out that I say stupid things like, "clean your room or suffer a beat down"? Because I do say things like that. Much to my dismay. That kind of talk is now over. If you ask my kids if we beat them, they'll probably say yes. Because in their limited scope, they think a beat down is a spanking. Children don't understand the real definition when we don't use the proper terms. Our next step is to show our kids some photos of abused children. Then they will know how safe they are with us and that we've never given them anything close to beating.

If the CPS worker stood at the kid's bus stop in the morning I'm sure she could bring a case against every one of those families based on the stories they tell of their kids. -Tymon Johns

And why open up a case for Evan? Three years after the fact?

We live with fear. That CPS will flex the only power they have: taking away our children. "Intake" is what we called it at the RedCliff Ascent Wilderness Therapy program when a new teen would come into the program.

I read Jen's email when Tymon, Kira and I were out last night. I was afraid to come home. Thinking that the police would be at my door. With a warrant. Ready to take my kids. To where ever they take kids. And we would wait up to 3 days before we could talk to a judge. My sister-in-law read the email for me. Did a Google search and found that that "intake" may mean they are opening a case. And not that they are necessarily coming for our kids.

When we picked up the kids, I dried my tears and had my dad take a family photo...just in case it was my last one. No police were here, though. Our house was silent. And we're still together. Which makes me happy. The thought of my kids being taken from me is terrifying.

That means we'll get a second chance for a better photo. This was the best shot that was taken last night. Jett's eyes were closed (asleep) in most of them. Jocelyn was angry the entire time. I'd woken her up and found that she pooped her pants so she got a bath and wouldn't put any clean clothes on. Graeden kept putting toys in front of his face or Jocelyn's. Anyway, the bottom line is that we'll get a better family photo. Soon.

And after receiving and reading a copy of Evan's police investigation records today, I'm happy to say that even though it was originally classified as "suspicious circumstances" that the case was fully investigated and closed as a terrible accident. After talking to a lady at the police department, I'm relieved.

The doctor at Children's who is telling me Kira needs to have XYZ tests because Evan's death was "suspicious" actually didn't even read the report. If he had, he'd know that it wasn't.

The drama escalates, accelerates and lulls. And we get the feeling our story is meant for more than just us.

10/7/11 Update
CPS Investigation Result: Unfounded

A Condensed Version: Investigation

2011-09-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

Sadly, our lives have been turned a bit upside down the past couple of weeks. It all started when I took Kira to the doctor and we found out her collarbone was broken. The doctor reported us and now we have law enforcement and Child Protective Services in our lives. We aren't even totally sure of the allegations. They seem to be either abuse or negligence but every time we ask we don't get clear answers. And never anything in writing.

We have cooperated with the investigation almost fully. We were bullied into taking Kira to the ER to get a full skeletal survey done. That's a dozen x-rays from head to toe that looks for any old breaks or more current ones. It came back clean (except the collarbone), which wasn't surprising since we don't abuse our children. The real tragedy is being coerced to allow medical personnel to abuse my child. Let me tell you how heartbreaking it is to listen to my infant wail for 30 minutes while the x-ray technicians were holding her wiggly limbs still. I picked her up in the middle of the ordeal just to calm her. The quiet lasted only until I put her down. Then the heavy crying ensued. The technician actually pulled on Kira's arm (broken collarbone side) and forcefully straightened it to get the x-ray. Really? And I'm being investigated for abuse? Ridiculous!

Kira's feet in the bone survey.

I refused to allow them to do a CT scan. It is too risky and there is no benefit to Kira to have the test done. Radiation in CT scans is high. Way higher than x-rays. They can cause cancer. Especially in children. And most especially in infants whose cells multiply and divide so rapidly when they are so young.

We were given another option last week. We could have her get an MRI. But um, they sedate children for MRIs. Sedation poses several risks. Usually infants put off any surgeries until they are around 6 months old. Unless there's a life threatening reason to have it done immediately. When infants are sedated, they are under constant monitoring to make sure they are okay. And by okay, I mean they are monitoring breathing so it doesn't slow down so much that they die.

I have been told on at least 3 occasions by 3 different people that if we didn't do exactly what they wanted then they would take Kira away from us. What kind of a child protective system do we have here? Ripping a healthy infant from her family? Readily employing coercive tactics in the strongest way possible? Guilty until proven innocent? And I've allowed them into my home. To investigate and gather evidence against me. For them to twist my words. I've never cared so much about the rights of the accused until now. I never thought I'd need to know them. Tales of Soviet-era interrogations were just that: stories of another place and another time. But now they are coming to life. Right at my dining room table.

Have any of you had dealings with CPS? Any advice is appreciated.

10/7/11 Update
CPS Investigation Result: Unfounded

The Circus Tradition

2011-09-10T10:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I think we aren't the cool family with lots of traditions. Then I remember that we are actually super cool and go to the circus just about every year. And buy licorice ropes. And let the kids eat them. Even though they are doing the no sweets challenge again in 2011 (only eating treats on holidays and family birthdays).

Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey Circus 2011

Of all the possible traditions to choose from, part of me wonders why we chose this one. Maybe because it's fun. The kids love the animals, clowns and motorcycle cage and especially eating licorice. I like going on opening night and only paying half price for the tickets. There's also another reason that floats in and out of my subconscious. We went to the circus with Evan. Just a couple of weeks before he died. And somehow moving forward in life and doing the same activities now we did with him then makes me happy. And the memories cement in my heart and mind. The little details of life with him are slipping. I find myself grasping to remember. And I think that's why we have traditions. To help us remember.

Evan and Tymon - Circus 2008

New to the circus this year: Baby Kira and Uncle Brett, Aunt Katie and Cousin Jackson (who was too involved with the show to look at the camera). We sat in two rows with 4 seats in each. I couldn't sit in our balcony front row. I was too nervous that someone would bump me and I'd drop Kira. So Tymon sat there with our boys while we with wee ones were a bit higher. Phew!

Labor Day and the State Fair

2011-09-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

It was nice to spend the day with Tymon. Usually in the summer I'm the one doing activities with the kids while he's at work. We started out at the car races, watched the lumberjack show while eating lunch, rode the roller coaster and tilt-a-whirl, visited booths and animals, ate elephant ears, saw more animals, and ended the day watching women and girls do barrel races with their horses.

This little girl is three. She was the youngest barrel racing competitor. I think she was born riding. I can't imagine Jocelyn doing that. We're still working on being gentle. Not so much on whipping an animal to make him perform.

Kira's Blessing Day

2011-09-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

Little Kira Jade,

Blessed with the power of discernment,

The ability to uplift and inspire,

Patience,

Love,

And an ability to bring peace to a room.

Others will want to follow and be like her.

Bring peace to a room. I like that. Kira has such a peaceful spirit about her. It calms me as I hold her. More so than any other child of mine. I just like to sit with her and savor each moment. She's already 8 weeks old. It just doesn't seem like so much time has passed since her birth. But it has. I must engrave this season into my memory. My little Kira Jade. All too soon she'll crawl right out of it.

Non-Open Door Policy

2011-09-03T20:33:00.000-07:00

This morning, I discovered that our basement door was open all night. My boys and I discussed the fact that animals could just walk right into the house. Then Elliott says, "but a giraffe couldn't have come in," and Jett chimed in, "or a cheetah."

My boys are brilliant! Ha ha. Our first summer here, I found the basement door open a couple of times. I think the scurrying in our walls and droppings in the basement were from a friendly mouse who just waltzed right in. I think he ate the little green pellets I left for him and walked out our open door, though. I found a dead mouse in the flower bed not long after that and haven't seen any evidence of his residence again.

So wouldn't you know it, this afternoon the boys left the front door open (not a surprise) and in flew a bird. Poor guy. He flew into the window a couple of times not understanding why he couldn't get out. Jett thought we should get a ladder out. We waited a bit, but the bird just stayed by the window looking sad. So, Tymon did get out the ladder, picked him up and carried him outside. Each one of the kids got to pet him before Tymon set him free. Yay! We're glad he's okay.

To our friends, our door is always open. To wild-life, I like the concept of a non-open door policy.

Learning to Bake

2011-08-31T12:06:00.000-07:00

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Edison

And likewise, Graeden found out this morning that substituting cups for teaspoons of salt in his muffin recipe didn't work. I helped him measure the flour and oil and even filling the muffin tin, but he measured everything else and stirred on his own. I didn't even notice the salt mistake. Half a cup is so different then half a teaspoon. Bleh. They went into the trash. I'm pretty sure Graeden will be extra careful getting his measurements correct next time we bake.

Chef Graeden tasting an extra salty muffin.

His muffins remind me of the time when my brother JC learned the same lesson when he was a kid. He was making cookies and put in a cup of baking soda instead of a teaspoon. They were nice and big/fluffy and oh so nasty!

Operation Gentle Johns

2011-08-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

The clavicle, or collarbone, is the most commonly broken bone in the human body. It doesn't fully ossify (become hard bone) until 21-25 years of age. Symptoms of a broken clavicle may not be noticed immediately. Within about a week, a lump (callus) will develop around the bone that is healing. Sometimes, this lump is the only sign of a fracture in a baby.

Why the run down on clavicles? Kira has a fractured one. I noticed a callus while nursing on Friday. First thing Saturday I made an appointment to see the pediatrician later that morning. We went in. Had an x-ray. I was surprised to find out that her clavicle was broken. And since it's also showing signs of healing, so it happened maybe a week or two ago. Really?

How did this happen? Seriously. I have no idea. Which is odd because Kira and I are attached. Almost always. It's pretty hard to try and pinpoint the when and how it happened when Kira, besides being a little fussy lately, is fairly mellow. I've come up with some theories. Revolving around a little too much love.

#1 - Perhaps, her ever-lovin'-toting-her-'round-the-house sister dropped her.
#2 - Perhaps, her eager-to-get-her-out-of-her-car-seat brother yanked her arm out of the strap too hard.

And the other night I was reminded of Jocelyn's new trick. It's called get out of the car seat and wander around the car while mom is driving. If we're in a neighborhood when this happens and no other cars are around then I will slow to about 5 mph and then do a quick stop. The boys' seat belts lock and Jocelyn gets a little jolt. My intentions being that they all learn how seat belts keep us safe. But now I'm wondering if...

#3 - Perhaps, Kira's natural-consequence-teaching mother stopped too quickly and she shared in Jocelyn's jolt.

In a way it's nice to not know who did what to cause Kira's injury. We are treating it like anyone could have done it and sharing the responsibility. Last night in our family council we embarked on Operation Gentle Johns. It goes something like this:

We are a kind and gentle family.
We protect Kira and take special care to make sure she is safe.
Jocelyn doesn't pick her up.
Only mom and dad take Kira out of her car seat.
And mom will find a gentler way to get Jocelyn back into her car seat while driving.

By extension, Operation Gentle Johns also includes being gentle with our brothers even if they upset us. And we want to hit them. Or kick. Or call names. The Johns family doesn't do any of that. We are gentle. We are kind. We are respectful.

Thus far, the boys have been increasingly concerned for Kira's safety. Not that they weren't before. They sort of were. They took care to support her head and were gentle. Then they'd fight over who got to hold her next. And try to take her from the other arms. As if she was a doll.

There's been none of that the last few days. I'm so happy that they are taking Kira's injury seriously. I'm also happy that Kira is healing and able to move her arms without difficulty or pain.

Salish Lodge

2011-08-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

Oh, how I love the Salish Lodge! We haven't been there since our engagement. And since we weren't married back then we didn't stay overnight. But we did last night. It was fabulous. The cozy fireplace in our room, two-person jetted tub, the softest king-sized melt into a peaceful sleep bed, the five star dining experience and the majestic falls. Fantastic. All of it.

The Bucket

2011-08-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

My boys look forward to picking blueberries with my friend and her four boys each summer. As in, it's the highlight of the summer. Chelsea and I were under the impression that it was because they can eat as many berries as they want while we pick. Yesterday we found out otherwise. They love to run around the bushes and even found a "swamp" or mud hole to play in.

Out in the blueberry bushes there are no toilets, which isn't a problem because we are only there for an hour and a half. Not so long at all. So when Jett told me he needed to go to the bathroom I wasn't concerned. Uh, go in the tall grass over there. Nope. He needed a toilet to do a little bit more than water the grass. I asked him to wait an hour and go at home. And he ran off happily calling to me, "Okay Mom!"

Not more than ten minutes later I heard Jett upset and exclaiming that one of his brothers had pooped in his blueberry bucket. One of his brothers. Right. That would have been a little more believable had he not just told me that he needed to do that very thing. Being the super mom that I am, I took him to a private place and asked him to pull down his pants. Since there was no paper in the bucket a simple visual test was sufficient to determine that Jett, in fact, was telling the truth. And we tossed the turd into the tall grass.

I'll be honest with you. I'm pretty good at solving mysteries. Looking at the clues surrounding this one my next ~~interview~~ interrogation was with Jocelyn.

Me: Jocelyn, did you poop in Jett's bucket?
Jocelyn: Yeah!

Mystery solved. Except ~~sometimes~~ a lot of times Jocelyn will say yes or no to doing something that she had no part of. Both Elliott and Graeden were horrified when I asked them if they'd done it. I mean, they were running around with their friends. That would have been so embarrassing if they'd done that. Ha ha. Remember this incident? I know they aren't too embarrassed to do anything in front of their friends.

I found myself ~~stealing~~ borrowing the bucket since there was no way I was admitting to the blueberry lady what my kids had done. I'll bring it back later all cleaned up when I go to pick more blueberries.

Tymon was the man of the hour when we arrived home. He was helping Jocelyn in the bathroom and I heard him exclaim, "Jocelyn! Gross!" Apparently she had feces on her panties. Mystery solved. And next time you go blueberry picking, make sure you wash the berries, even if they are organic. You just NEVER know what's gone on in your bucket.

Traditional Anniversary Gifts with a Twist

2011-08-24T23:44:00.001-07:00

Today Tymon and I celebrate 9 years of marriage. And by today, I mean that we're really going to celebrate tomorrow. We've got reservations at the Salish Lodge at Snoqualmie Falls. I'm looking forward to it. Especially the dinner. We went there the night Tymon proposed and enjoyed a truly wonderful meal in a private room overlooking the falls. Remember the purple potatoes I wrote about last year? We ate them first the night we got engaged.

For presents, Tymon and I stick pretty closely to the traditional and modern anniversary gift lists. And by close, I mean we twist them to suit our needs. Like a couple of years ago for our 7th anniversary the list told us that we should give each other desk sets. Well, we had moved several months earlier and our home office consisted of a couple of folding tables and chairs. So instead of desk sets, we got a set of desks.

Please don't look at my messy desk...I can find almost everything I need.

This year, Tymon got me the traditional gift of pottery. And by pottery, I mean this Circulon set of pots.

I love them. A lot. I made some blueberry jam in one tonight and I was smiling the entire time. Except when I slipped off my stool and nearly twisted my ankle. Hard. Instead, I just got a floor burn on my palm and probably have a huge bruise on my bum. I'm afraid to look at it.

But this is a tangent. Focus Bridget. Focus!

Happy Anniversary Tymon!

Kira's Birth Announcement

2011-08-17T02:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Aunt Katie for taking photos of Kira. We love 'em!

Injury vs. Natural Consequence

2011-08-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

Last week, we had some friends over for a barbecue. We were on the deck chatting while the kids were running around. I am a fairly mellow parent when it comes to letting my kids climb all over everything, so I wasn't very concerned when the kids said that Drew had gone through the nets surrounding the trampoline. We've got boys. They're always destroying something. And actually, it's nice that someone else's kid ruined something of ours. Because usually, it's the other way around with our kids wrecking stuff that isn't ours. I didn't even look at it. Our friends were offering to buy a new net. I thought we could probably just have Drew come over with fishing line and sew it up.

Then I saw the net. And Drew was holding his head. Because he was hurt. I felt bad. Instead of planning the fix-it phase I should be watching for signs of a concussion. Regular destruction is one thing...a head injury is different.

Our boys had previously torn the bottom of the net so we thought it best to have them do the sewing. A natural consequence to them ripping the net and crawling under it. I taught Graeden and Elliott how to sew with a big needle and they got one of the lower tears fixed. Tymon helped with the big ones. It took a few days to finish all of the rips, but it's now done and the trampoline is back in service. Yay!

And the best part is that Drew is doing well!

Loving August

2011-08-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

Loving August.

And activities with my kids.

Loving warm weather.

And farmer's markets.

Loving Pacific Northwest Beaches.

And abundant natural beauty.

Loving my sisters-in-law,

Nieces,

Nephews,

And candid shots of my boy

Elliott.

Elliott, Jackson (nephew), Me and Kira at Mukilteo Beach.

Placenta Planting: And The Tale Of The Apple Tree

2011-08-06T01:11:00.000-07:00

My husband is horrified that this post is being made. That photos were ever taken. And disturbed that all of you are witnessing it first hand. Sort of. I guess not really. None of you were with me this afternoon. But it'd be cool if you were. Especially Natalie. My Sister-Womyn-Sister. (Dearest Natalie, please forgive me for not waiting for you to come over. I wanted to wait, but also wanted to clear out my refrigerator.)

Some of you may remember a few years ago my exuberance about finally moving into a home with a large yard. Big enough to plant trees. As in more than one.

I bought several varieties. One for each of my children. Then I took each child's placenta out of my freezer that I'd been saving since their births and planted them with each child's tree. I split Elliott's placenta in half. He shared with Jett. I also split Jocelyn's in half. She shared with her "big sister" Jovana. If this story doesn't sound familiar to you: click this link for the placenta back story.

Graeden and I planted Kira's tree today. Graeden wasn't disgusted by the placenta at all. But he did comment about how he wouldn't want to live in a bloody sac. Uh, yeah. So now I need to find some non-bloody placental photos to show Graeden how a fetus lives. In a non-bloody sac. One filled with "water".

Our children's trees:

Graeden - cherry (4 varieties grafted together)
Elliott - grapes (one vine purple and one green)
Jett - Italian plum
Evan - pear (4 varieties grafted together)
Jocelyn - apple
Jovana - apple
Kira - apple (4 varieties grafted together)

SITS: The Secret to Success is Sleep

2011-07-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with Kira squirming on me and a little sweaty and my legs were unable to stretch out...it's not very often that everyone in the house migrates to our bed. Usually it's just a couple of extra bodies. And as awesome and as terrible as a family bed is, it has nothing to do with this post. But it does have a photo to go with it. So there you go. A photo and a post. Both about sleep.

One of the most powerful pieces of advice we ever received was when we were new parents. I thought I knew what it was like to not get enough sleep. Ha! I had no idea.

Graeden was a few weeks old and I wasn't getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep at one time. I'm pretty sure the perfect description of me was in fact: zombie. It must have been the same for Tymon because as he was on the phone with his mother one evening telling her about our struggles with sleep deprivation.

My middle of the night feedings often went like this: I hear cries and groggily turn to the bassinet next to the bed and get Graeden to nurse. Then I lay on my back with my knees up...the side view looking like this: o /\. No need to get out of bed to burp him...or even sit up for that matter...I just prop my baby up against my knees to burp him. Then when I hear the magical burp, I lean over and put him back in his bassinet. It's the perfect set up. And the only way I could get through these feedings without totally "waking up" and being wired in the wee hours of the morning when I should be sleeping.

However, a recent incident had us frightened. In the middle of the night after I had nursed Graeden and put him up against my knees, the exhaustion took over and I fell asleep before hearing the burp. When I woke up, I found Graeden was under the covers and in between my legs. Um yeah. That's not so healthy for a newborn. It's more like life threatening. I'm pretty sure he could have suffocated like that or I may have even squished him or rolled him right off.

So, my mother-in-law's life changing advice? Don't feed your baby in the middle of the night.

She sleep trained 3 of her 4 kids starting right after birth. (One of Tymon's brothers was sick as a newborn and she didn't do it with him.) And I'm thinking, so that's it?! Just don't feed your baby? Sounds simple. Me likey. And it also happens to go contrary to everything we hear from the doctors and nurses say about a newborn's needs. Me double likey. Mostly because I disliked random nurses at the hospital coming into our room and giving us instructions about what we had to do as new parents with our son. Regardless as to the wisdom of the advice or not, I get annoyed with someone telling me what I have to do. So in this case, I was very intrigued about what we could do if I wasn't going to feed my baby on demand, every 2-3 hours, no matter what time of day or night.

What to do when baby cries in the middle of the night:
Do wake up with your baby.
Rock him back to sleep.
Or walk him around the house.
Sing him songs.
Put him in the baby swing.

Do whatever you must but DO NOT feed your baby! Pretty soon, he will just stop waking up to eat. When this method is used with a brand new baby, it's not a big deal. They are already accustomed to not eating at night since pregnant momma didn't eat in the middle of the night (hopefully). But with a baby who is already used to eating every 2-3 hours 24/7? Well, that's a bit tougher. And I send my heart-felt condolences to you if you are in this situation.

Graeden didn't like his new way of life. And he cried. And cried. And cried. For a few nights. It was brutal. For us. For him. It took an hour or two trying to get him back to sleep. But we'd already discovered that the alternative was worse. The next few nights he whimpered a little but easily fell back to sleep. And by the end of the week he stopped waking up in the middle of the night completely. That first sleep filled night was on my 28th birthday. December 9, 2003. Graeden was 6 weeks old. And gave me the best birthday present ever.

I should mention that my definition of sleeping through the night changes over time. At first, it's about 4-5 hours. I nurse from about 11:30 pm - midnight and then again at 4 or 4:30am. Every week or so that time is extended by about an hour until the baby is sleeping for about a 7-8 hour stretch. And my body ceases to produce milk at night. I should probably also mention that there may be times of growth or sickness when reversion occurs. That's just a part of life but if you are consistent in not feeding the baby in the wee hours of the morning then the problem will fix itself soon enough.

Here we are just a couple of months later and well rested. We used the no feeding at night method with the rest of our children. The only one who rebelled against sleeping through the night was Evan. It took him a month to buy into the program. When all is said and done, that's not too shabby.

I didn't think I'd be sleep training Kira for a while. I was worried about her more fragile physical state and thought she may actually need to eat often. It turns out, though we may have issues with her heart in the future, at present she is doing very well. Let the sleep training begin! We started as soon as we got back from our family reunion. She's done marvelous...the easiest of all children to get into a sleep habit. She goes to bed between 10 and 11 pm. We wake up anywhere between 4 and 5 am. Once it was 7 am. I woke up earlier...but find it counter productive to wake a sleeping child so early in the morning just because I experienced my milk letting down.

I'm pretty sure getting enough sleep is the reason why we have had so many children so quickly. We're running on full energy instead of reserves. Our kids also move out of our room at 3 months of age. Except not Jocelyn. Jovana was staying in her room so Jocelyn slept with us for several months. In fact, she's kind of still with us...though sometimes will sleep in her own bed. Maybe she'll like her room better when Kira moves in.

Most parents we share our sleep training story with ignore it. Months later they are still talking about being up at least once and maybe twice in the middle of the night. At that point, I just smile and nod since I've already shared one of my most powerful life lessons. And really don't have any other helpful hints to help with the problem. However, we have had a few families thank us for sharing the sleep secret. And that makes the polite nods and occasional eye rolling responses worth it. The secret to success is most definitely found in getting a good night's sleep.

Fetal VS. Infant Kira

2011-07-26T21:00:00.000-07:00

There are many similarities between fetal Kira and infant Kira.

Both display mellow personalities.

Both have been caught smiling.

Both have hiccups. Often.

And both look the same.

I didn't get the head angles to match exactly...but it's close enough to see how amazing 3D ultrasounds are.

One difference...I like snuggling infant Kira a lot more than fetal Kira.

Postpartum Bliss

2011-07-21T19:41:00.000-07:00

Kira is one week old. Plus a few days. And I feel great! Not just because I'm not pregnant, which is fantastic in and of itself. But my body seems to have rebounded much faster with Kira's than it did with Jocelyn's...though I was grieving then. But all the same, I feel way better now than I did postpartum with Evan, Elliott, and especially Graeden. I think the first one is the toughest. At least it was for me.

I think my great health right now is a blessing I get because of that awful labor. I can walk around without hurting and cook dinner without sitting on a stool to rest. My pants all fit me and my belly seems to be shrinking daily (goodbye muffin top). I love losing 20 pounds overnight. Talk about a fantastic diet! Ha ha. I've only got 15 more to go. But don't worry. I won't try to take that off for another few months.

When Kira came out breathing on her own we decided that we would go to Tymon's family reunion last weekend. We checked out of the hospital on Wednesday, came home, packed our bags and left Thursday morning for Utah. The trip down wasn't so great. Well, I was fine. Sitting in a car all day is fairly restful. But Kira wasn't latching well and losing weight. I wasn't concerned with that since my milk came in just that morning. But I got concerned after we stopped by her pediatrician and found out that what I thought might be blood in her diaper was actually urine crystals. Those come with dehydration. So, yeah, time to take waking up our sleepy baby seriously and get her to feed. Every stop we made ended up being about an hour long, which turned a 14 hour drive into almost 20.

Salt Lake City, UT - July 17, 2011

Friday morning, after arriving at Tymon's aunt's house, Kira started eating and we worked on latching. Again. And again. We did a happy dance with every wet diaper. I took her to the pediatrician again when we got home a couple of days ago and Kira had gained an ounce a day. Yes! And she also grew half an inch. Really? My snuggle bunny is growing taller? She's in the 98% for height. And I just want her to be little. And cuddle her. Forever.

Kira - one week old. Photo by Katie Fawcett.

Kira, The 7-Eleven Slurpee Baby

2011-07-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

I'm still processing the nightmare that was Kira's birth...so for now, no intimate birth story. Just a quick rundown.

The waiting game: We checked in after a few hours because we didn't want to go home. It seemed dumb to go home since theoretically, from first contraction to birth, I can have a baby in 3.25 hours. Here we are, hanging out at the hospital...not wanting to check in until my contractions got more serious. Tymon's taking a rest and my mom's telling me family history stories...I wanted to hear about the midwives in my family's line.

Definition of Living Hell: 28 Hour Labor. Um yeah. That's all I'll say about that right now.

7-Eleven: A convenience store that sells Slurpees, a frozen slush drink that I love. Many participating locations give away free 7.11 ounce Slurpees on July 11th. That means Kira can get a free Slurpee every year on her birthday. Sweet! Tymon got me one after the birth...except it was after midnight so he had to pay for it. No big deal. I got one a lot bigger than 7.11 ounces.

Kira's echocardiogram: She looks pretty good. Thank you all for your prayers on our behalf. God has been so good to us.We are so thankful that we are out of the hospital and at home. Kira still has a few issues...but they aren't life threatening. Her breathing is normal. But just in case, we have her medical information with us. An ER doctor who was in the medical records room this morning said he is very grateful for parents like us. Just that we knew the terms "small pulmonary branch arteries" and "right-sided aortic arch" were very helpful and telling if there were ever an emergency and we had to take her to the closest hospital. We will follow up with a cardiologist at Children's Hospital in a couple of weeks and have another echo. At that point, we will be able to have a clearer understanding of what we're looking at. For now, we are so so so grateful for our Little Miracle. We are counting our numerous blessings.

Moment of sweet: Jocelyn coming to visit Baby Daya (Kira). All 9 pounds and 4.5 ounces of her. She is 22 inches long. My largest baby by a long shot.

Kira Jade Johns: She's got some fabulous cheeks and auburn hair. We'll do a photo shoot next week with Aunt Katie. And in a few days or week or two or three, there will be some birth posts coming. Probably more than one. There are just so many life lessons to process out of this birth experience. I need to sort it all out.

Thank you all for your well wishes: I'm having a hard time keeping up with them. I'm sure I've missed several on my Facebook wall. I'll try and catch up later. Right now I'm tired. And ready to go to sleep. After I nurse Kira, of course. And put a new load of laundry in. And maybe eat a snack. And drink some water. And take some iron. Ha ha. So much for sleep.

Semi-Long, Kinda Strong, Sort Of Closer Together

2011-07-10T18:22:00.000-07:00

Did I tell you about my friend Sabrina? She brought us an early dinner the day Jocelyn was born. Tymon was outside talking to the guy who was painting the outside of our house. I had come outside to do a walk around and then Sabrina came. I felt a good solid contraction. So solid that Sabrina had to help me in the house. Jocelyn was born just over 3 hours later.

Sabrina called me up the other day. She said she was going out of town but would be back on Saturday. She wanted to bring me dinner, if Kira came or not, on Sunday afternoon. Fabulous. Sabrina's good luck.

I lay down this afternoon and then felt a contraction. The same as I've been having for the past few months. Same intensity. Only this time another one followed. Then another Am I in labor? Maybe. I started timing them. To see if I have more. Bottom line, it's been 2 hours and I still have them. Except I'm walking and talking just fine. And I lose track of timing the contractions when someone distracts me. Or I write a blog post. Ha ha.

We ate dinner. My boys are begging me to get Sabrina's teriyaki chicken recipe. And for the cake, too. Delicious. We'll call it Kira's birthday cake. I ate. I haven't thrown up...which is standard for me in labor. The boys have packed over night bags. We're loading the car up now and are headed to the hospital. And it's still a little unreal to me that this may be it. Our adventure is about to begin.

Breakfast Blues

2011-07-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

I originally thought I should title this post, "Labor of Love," but didn't when I realized that many of you checking my blog daily are actually waiting for news on my labor of Kira. Ha ha. I'm still pregnant. Kira seems to love her safe and warm home and though I think all day every day that "this may be the day," she doesn't appear to want to move out any time soon. So for now, while I ~~patiently~~ wait, I continue moving forward with life.

These days Kira likes to push her bum up into the right side of my rib cage. Bless her.

My new obsession truly is a labor of love. I've been wondering what to do for a while now about the breakfast problem in my home. Well, it's not a problem for anyone but me. No one but me sees the need to change the Johns' family status quo. Let me explain...

Problem #1

My children sneak into the pantry at all times of the day and sneak snacks. Usually it's cereal. And all I need to do is open the pantry door to figure out that they've done it. The box is usually left on its side or upside down with cereal spilling out all over the place. I wonder at what age they will learn to cover up their tracks. Even my 6 and 7 year old haven't learned that yet.

Problem #2

The more I read on soy, effects of soy in non-traditional forms (pretty much everything besides soy sauce), and genetically modified organisms, the more disturbed I became at its prevalence in most food products in grocery stores. So much so that I'm in agreement with the experts who rather label them as food-like substances rather than real foods with nutritional value. Breakfast cereals are full of sugars, additives I can't pronounce, GMOs and various forms of soy. A couple of months ago, I put my money where my mouth is and stopped buying cereal.

It was hard for me to stop buying cereal because alternatives for breakfast involve effort and a lot of time. I got up a half hour earlier to make the boys breakfast before they left for school and work. Sacrificing my time wasn't all bad. We did eat breakfast together as a family. There's definite value in connecting each morning. And we had a variety of real foods to eat...like scrambled eggs, breakfast burritos, oatmeal, hot cereal, pancakes, toast, muffins, etc. They were good times...but deep down, I kind of like sleeping in a little longer. And now that school's out, I like waking up when my kids do instead of when Tymon leaves for work.

Solution

Make my own cereal. I checked out grain puffers...like that you put wheat, rice or corn into and it puffs it up like cereal or snacks. Those are pretty expensive, though. It seemed like I was destined to wake up early and be creative with breakfast the rest of my life. And then I read Carrie's granola post, which has nutritionally inspired me for the past month. And given me freedom and flexibility. We still eat together and I make breakfast a few days a week. But I am relishing this new kick.

Peanut butter and jelly granola, with honey, almonds, coconut, coconut oil, sunflower seeds, craisins, ground flax seed and cinnamon.

I've experimented with each batch I make. Elliott loved helping me make a peanut butter and jelly version tonight. We used half honey and half jelly for the sweetener. It's good. So so good. Jocelyn sneaks it. Which means that I still have problem #1. But I really like that problem #2 has gone away. I haven't saved time since I still need to make the granola...but I can do that in the evening with my kids instead of in the morning when I'd rather be laying in bed.

Off Balance

2011-07-07T23:19:00.000-07:00

Nah, it's not my mind that's out of whack. Well, maybe it is. But that has nothing to do with me slipping down a couple of stairs this evening. Two stairs. One broken toe. Ouch. I thought it was the same toe that I've broken 7 or 8 times in the last 30 years. I originally broke it when I was 5 and it's been weak ever since. Every so often when I land on it wrong or abuse it in some miniscule way, it breaks again. Then I looked at it this evening and compared it with the other one. Um, yeah. My scar from the original accident/break was on the other foot. So this is the first time I've broken this toe. Which is totally random to me.

Picture my swagger now. Imagine a nice prego waddle. Throw in a little swing to get a hip back in line. And finish it up with a pop up for my limp. Yeah. It rocks. Ha ha.

My conversation with Jocelyn, the sweetest 2.75 year-old ever...

Jocelyn: Are you hurt Mommy?
Me: Yup
J: Aww. (Kisses my foot.) I sorry.
Me: Will you get me Boo Bunny (a small ice pack)?
J: Yeah! (Runs out.)

J: (Immediately runs back in.) Mommy, I have to go potty!
Me: Go!
J: Otay! Then I get Boo Bunny.
Me: Thank you!
J: Here Mommy! (Returns with the bunny and a teether frog she found in the freezer.)

I just love her compassion.

Overdue - My Search For Purpose

2011-07-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

About 2 weeks ago, after going grocery shopping, I came home exhausted. I was alone so it wasn't like I'd been chasing kids throughout the store, either. After going through the check out line, I actually had to sit down on a bench a few feet from the register. The checker asked me if I needed help out. Nope. Not unless she could put me in the cart, too. I just needed to sit down for a few minutes. And make the contractions go away. Once home, Tymon brought in all the groceries and I told him this was the last time I was going shopping before Kira came. I've already eaten those words. Twice.

My nephew's birthday party - June 25, 2011.

Listening to my body cues, I'm overdue. Not so much by 2 days like my due date indicates, but more like a by month. I know the signs...relaxin or some other hormone has taken over my joints and ligaments and allowed them to loosen. The desired effect is to work with Kira in her birth so that the pelvis expands easily and allows safe passage. I've been feeling good and loosey goosey for 2+ months. It makes for difficult sleep, getting out of bed, and standing up from a seated position.

The next sign? Kira is low in my pelvis. Not so low that she'll just fall out...though at times that's what I think may happen. She's just low. And heavy. I've begun ignoring my bladder when it tells me it's full. Not only because I just used the toilet. But because most of the time I only go enough to fill a teaspoon at a time. Who has time for that? I don't. I'm leery now every time I get a gas pain and need to have a bowel movement. Because it could be that it's a contraction and Kira's on her way out. Those two signals share the same sensation (to a way lighter degree).

The biggest sign for me is with the Braxton-Hicks contractions I've had for the past four-ish months. This time around, they have been stronger than last and lately have been happening with increasing frequency. On occasion they have seemed very similar to that first labor contraction. That is unmistakably etched in my mind first contraction. Except I'm unsure if it is one or not. So when the next one doesn't happen then I realize it wasn't as bad as it could have been and no it wasn't real. I just read in the wikipedia link and found that maybe these practice contractions feel a lot worse than I remember because I stopped using the toilet 20 times a day. I'll have to pee after the next one and see if it disappears.

I'm searching for meaning in still being pregnant right now. The logical side of me says that Kira needs to gain weight or perfect some body functions before birth. After all, she may need that strength if a surgery is in her near future.

The spiritual side of me tells another story. Perhaps, it's me who needs a lesson in patience. Or a lesson that God is in control and has His own timing. Or perhaps, my children need the experience of waiting for and anticipating an event so that one day they will understand one of their future life lessons. But truly what I think I need to understand is that even though I'm 40 weeks or 10 months pregnant, I can choose to be happy. I don't need to be miserable even though I physically feel like garbage and my grass allergies have kicked it up into high gear.

I can choose to not be frustrated with the seemingly endless anticipation birth. Where I will be... What traffic will be like... What wee-hour of the morning time I will be trying to wake up my support network... It's also okay to have a sparse calender. And to not know what's going to happen today. I've still got to move forward and live my life. Even when I'm waiting. Kira won't stay in forever. She will come out. It's okay for me not to know all the details. The bottom line is that it will happen.

Birth Story: A Compilation

2011-07-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

No matter how many times I have given birth and how free I keep my calender, I am always nervous about where I may be or what I will be doing when I go into labor. And also important is who will be home to take my other kids at that time? Does anyone hear their phone at 3am? Because that's what time I woke up this morning with a strong contraction and urge to pee. My pelvic bones are looser than all get out and I needed to turn over. I think that one seemingly simple movement took me 2 minutes to accomplish. And it took another minute to walk to the toilet. It had me seriously wondering if today is the day.

And it might be. After all, I did get the freezer defrosted and cleaned yesterday. I'd only been putting it off since Memorial Day. And Tymon and I got a couple of shelving units put together that have been sitting in the garage for months on end. And some of the chaos sorted. I wouldn't exactly call it nesting. Just doing a few things that have needed attention. For a while. Kind of like these birthing posts. I truly meant to do one per week before Kira's birth. Ha ha. But they are all here now.

All of my previous birthing experiences have been drug-free. I expect Kira's to be the same. All babies have been in the head down facing backward position, except Jocelyn. Her head was sideways with an arm up. I expect Kira to be head down. I wonder if she'll face forward and the back of her skull will move past my pelvic bone in a worst pain of my life type of manner. And pray that she won't. Each birth, my water has broken at the very end of labor. A few pushes left to go. Except Graeden. His was an hour before birth. I expect Kira to be the same as the majority of her siblings.

I know I'm in transition when I start chanting. And the more guttural the sound, the closer the impending birth. I know that the only way to get through the ring of fire is to actually push through it. It sounds so simple. It's just not. Pain doesn't just go away on its own. It has to be worked through and finessed. Metaphorically speaking, it took me a long time standing on Labor Cliff unsure if I really wanted to jump into Birth Lake or not before I actually did. I'd prefer to do it on my own, naturally, rather than have someone else carry me down and slip me into the water. It's been an faster decision with each successive child. It only took one push to get Jocelyn's head through the fire. I expect Kira's to be the same.

Each labor started on its own and took me by surprise...even though Graeden's was jump started by the doctor stripping my membranes. Every day I think, "today may be the day." And still I wait. Unsure if my expectations are realistic. This birth will be different. I won't be at home. In my tub. With Heike. Listening to stories from my mom. Getting tired. Sitting on my birthing stool. Holding Tymon's hand. Resting and pushing at the same time.

Kira's birth will be different. But in most ways, I expect it to be the same. Even in a hospital setting, Tymon and my mother will be there doing what they do. Heike will be there if she's available. I'll still have a midwife. And a birthing stool. And a tub.

While I do not know the meaning of all things, I do know that God loves me. Each new experience helps me to grow and molds me into the person I am today. While I only understand a small portion of who He is, my journey through life and motherhood help me to understand Him better.

And so a new journey begins! Maybe today.

Birth Story: Jocelyn, The Fifth - A Home Birth

2011-07-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

As luck would have it, I was actually blogging when Jocelyn was born. So, you've already read this story. But if you haven't been reading my blog for the past 3 years, read Jocelyn's birth story here. The week before Jocelyn's birth was the most difficult of my life. I had wanted her to be born early like Evan.

That all changed with Evan's sudden death on Tuesday, September 23, 2008. My prayers changed to that of not going into labor while being in the Emergency Room. And while making burial arrangements. Meeting with the funeral home. Going to the cemetery. Planning a funeral for Saturday. Wondering if we'd get Evan's body back from the coroner in time. Friends and tons of family flooding into town.

Evan's accident was in itself enough to turn our world upside down. But for me, the underlying stress of an impending birth just added to the burden. Heike came to the funeral. I was unsure of what would happen with me. With Jocelyn. I couldn't even write down that Evan had a sister in his funeral program. I didn't want to assume the ultrasound had been accurate on Jocelyn's gender.

It was accurate. And as soon as the last of our family had left town (well, later that afternoon), I had my first contraction. We planned another home birth, my favorite birthing place. Jocelyn was born just over 3 hours later.

An hour into Jocelyn's labor. Building strength to get to the tub and hot water.

Heike (midwife), Me, Jocelyn, Carrie (assistant)

Jocelyn was my ray of sunshine in my darkest days. She strongly encouraged me to get out of bed each morning. In fact, she demanded it. And contrary to the photo above, she was a happy baby. She smiled early and often. Intertwined with our family's Circle of Life.

Birth Story: Evan, The Fourth - A Home Birth

2011-07-01T17:11:00.000-07:00

The day Evan joined our family, we had a full day planned. We attended an early church service and then Graeden and I went with Tymon to his baccalaureate degree graduation from the University of Washington. Elliott and Jett stayed with my parents. I think just walking to and from the parking lot into the pavilion is what did me in. That and chasing after a 3 year old during the ceremony.

Afterward, we dropped by Jett's birth mother's old house to see if her brother still lived there. He did. We talked for a bit and he gave us his parents' address so we could continue sending letters to them on Jett's birthday. Then we went to a graduation barbecue at one of Tymon's classmates house. When we arrived, I wasn't feeling very well. I said hello and asked to use the restroom...maybe I was car sick? This classmate is from Eritrea in East Africa and along side the burgers there were some traditional dishes. I tried a couple of them. But seriously wasn't feeling well and made Tymon finish my plate. I told Tymon I wanted to leave and it seriously wasn't because I didn't know anyone. I just didn't feel good.

As an aside: the most hilarious part of the evening was talking to an American black guy who sat with us while we ate. Because nearly everyone (various friends and neighbors) was black and from Eritrea, several of them also saw that he was black and started to talk to him in their native language. That had never happened to him before and he looked at them with a blank face and explained that he only spoke English. Hearing him tell about these conversations was hilarious. Ha ha.

As we walked to the car I had a contraction. Not just any contraction. Like a labor contraction. We planned to have a home birth with Evan so we got in the car and headed home. I didn't want to call Heike, yet. I wanted to time the contractions just to make sure they were regular and this was really labor...because seriously...my babies, even the adopted ones, are late. Timing put me at 2 weeks before my due date. I didn't believe I was really in labor though. Just a little nauseous. It took us about 15 minutes to get the freeway and I'd had 3 good contractions. We called Heike. Unfortunately for me, Heike had just delivered her 7th or 8th baby in a row and was exhausted. The other midwife I'd seen had just moved the week before to Montana and so another midwife came with the a couple of assistants who I did know.

We dropped off Graeden and my mom came back to our house with us. As I labored in the tub, my mom told me stories. Two stand out. The first was about her great or maybe great great aunt or grandmother or someone like that who had been a midwife in the 1800s. I think I'll have to get the story again during my next labor, though because I'm pretty foggy on any real details aside from what I've just written.

The second story was really a question. She asked me if I'd had heartburn during the pregnancy. Why yes, yes I had. My ordinarily non-superstitious mother proceeded to tell me that my baby would have hair because heartburn = hair. I couldn't believe it. Seriously, Mom? Since when have you ever believed any of those old wives tales???

I was exhausted after such a long day and wanted a nap. Tymon and my mom helped me out of the tub so I could lay down. As soon as I got out I had a contraction and leaned against the bathroom counter. My water broke. Or burst. And it was full of meconium. At least I was still in the bathroom and clean up was easy. I was still too tired to move and had one more contraction. I used it to push and Evan was born at 10:25 pm. With hair. Huh? I have bald babies. Seriously? Hair? My mom hadn't been telling me a story?

Midwife, assistant, me and Evan, another assistant.

Evan had some other signs that he was full term and not "early." Like his size. He was nearly 8 pounds and 21.5 inches long and had finger prints, which usually come later for pre-term babies. Plus, the vernix had sloughed off.

Me exhausted with Jett and Evan, my Irish twins, just 9 ½ months apart.

Looking back, I believe that Heavenly Father gave us these extra two weeks with Evan on earth because He knew his time with us would be short. So, it's probably the best sign ever that Kira has not arrived early. Despite not wanting another hospital experience, I will survive my next birth story and Kira will come out
strong.

Birth Story: Adoption and Jett, The Third

2011-06-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

I think the most difficult phone call I've ever made was the first time I talked to Jett's birth mother. It was awkward for me. And uncomfortable. How was I supposed to begin this conversation? "Hi, I'm Bridget, I heard you are planning an adoption for your baby. Perhaps, you'd consider my husband and I?" And seriously. Who says that? I must have because we planned a meeting a few days after that.

Over the next two months we got together with her several times. She has dark curly hair and I was holding out for my little girl. We went to Seattle's Sea Fair parade, the Pioneer celebration at our church, our city festival and doctor's appointments and an ultrasound. However, after the ultrasound, we found out that we're having a boy. So my dreams of a dark haired daughter were not going to happen with this adoption. We had dinner together at our house, she met my parents and my aunt and uncle and cousins. We visited a lawyer to work out the legal aspects of the adoption. It was fun to get to know her and understand a bit about her situation and the point she was at in her life. Bottom line, she was not prepared to be a parent and her baby deserves a family.

On Friday, August 25, 2006 I was working late at my office. Jett was due a week earlier. I had forgotten my phone in my car and so it wasn't until I was on my way home that I heard the message from Jett's birth mother. She'd gone in for an appointment that morning and the doctor induced her. Jett was born later that evening. I went home, packed some things and headed to the hospital. I arrived the same time as her brother...about 10:30pm.

She greeted me and invited me to hold my son. I stayed with them and was up for the middle of the night bottle feedings. Tymon and the boys came the next day. So did Nana and Bapa.

They were excited to have a new brother. Or maybe a little confused with how he was coming into our family.

The whole experience was a little surreal. In two months our lives changed forever. I wasn't sure everything would work out. What if she changed her mind? Or people from her past came to haunt us? What if the birth father wanted custody? Or what if the social worker from hell decided not to recommend us? We got a taste of the uncertainty of adoption in those months. I say a "taste" because of what I've watched my friends go through for their adopted children. The roller coaster goes on for years and often involves infertility. Our adoption was so quick and relatively easy. It was less than 6 months from that first phone call, to Jett being born, to having it finalized. I was relieved when the judge signed the papers just before Christmas. Relieved to get off the roller coaster of emotions, challenges, set backs, and successes. Because in less than six months, our lives would change again. Evan was on his way.

I must say, though, Jett's infancy was my favorite. I wasn't physically exhausted. Tymon could feed him or even take him for the day if I needed to work. I loved the shared responsibility. Adoption has some distinct advantages for mothers. Yes!

The religious finalization of Jett's adoption took place in the Seattle Temple.

Birth Story: Adoption

2011-06-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

I believe my first thoughts about adoption came from my fourth grade teacher who also attended my church. She and her husband adopted four children (over a space of time) from Korea. At the time, I remember thinking, "wow, now that's the way to do it!" Building a family without childbirth pain has some distinct advantages. Little did I understand the many challenges that lead most families to choose the adoption route. I would guess that very few choose it to get out of giving birth.

In my late teens, my attitude toward adoption deepened. I knew that someday I would adopt. My sister Kristal, who is14 months older than me, felt the same way. Fast forward several years. Kristal and her husband have been married a few years. They want to start a family. Infertility enters the picture. Tests are run. Options are explored. Adoption is the right choice for them. As Kristal's family, for a few years, we spread the word in our various social circles that she wanted to adopt. Meanwhile, Kristal and her husband started adoption agency paperwork and getting their papers together and profiles made.

After heaps of paperwork, background and medical checks, social worker visits, and lots of waiting, Kristal and her husband were chosen by a birth mother in June to adopt her baby due in August 2006. Not more than a week or two later a friend of my parents contacted my dad to let him know that she knew of a birth mother looking for a family to raise her unborn child. She was also due in August. Wow. Two babies at once. That would be like having twins, which Kristal and her husband were open to...the only setback being that the agency they were working with didn't allow multiple adoptions at once unless they were coming from the same family. Huh? Okay. We didn't expect that. And they had already committed to adopting the first baby.

Babies rarely just fall into a family's hands. In fact, in the last 10+ years that we've spread the word and kept our ear to the ground to help my sister, it only happened that one time. My father, in his wisdom, understood the challenges that adoption present to most families. Bottom line, Kristal couldn't adopt this baby, yet a home was still needed. He asked me if Tymon and I would consider adopting.

Elliott, Tymon and Graeden

In June of 2006, Tymon and I had Graeden and Elliott (aged 2 ½ and 1 ¼). We prayed to know what we should do. We planned on having two boys and two girls. I have had dreams about having a dark curly haired girl. It clicked with me that my boys were blonde, this baby could be a girl, and perhaps this was how our dark haired daughter would come into our family. At the same time, I also had some close friends who were looking to adopt. Tymon and I decided that, yes, we could do this.

But first, we would talk with our friends. I knew a few who weren't able to expand their families without adoption. Perhaps, we were meant to be the messenger about this opportunity. I called one of my friends who I have known nearly my entire life. The timing wasn't right. They were doing a foster to adopt program. I called another friend (I set her up with my second cousin and they got married) but that didn't work out either. There was one more friend who had two children, and very difficult pregnancies and deliveries, who previously had expressed in a casual conversation that she and her husband had talked about adoption. I called her up. We talked. Their marriage was going through a rough patch. Adding a child into a family with an uncertain future isn't ideal.

Tymon and I, however, were ideal. We were looking to build our family. We had previously giving thought to adoption. Timing would put this child at the same age difference/intervals as our boys. We owned our own home and had a stable income. But most importantly, there was a baby who needed us.

Birth Story: Elliott, The Second - Birth Center Birth

2011-06-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

We had a family reunion in July 2004 in Eastern Washington. Driving for a few hours and over windy mountain roads doesn't always sit well with me and I got car sick. Usually the feeling passes once we arrive and I've been walking around an hour or two. This time, the feeling didn't pass. When we got home a couple of days later, I peed on a stick. It was positive. I never menstruated between Graeden and Elliott's births.

As odd as it may sound, quality of care was not my first priority when finding a provider for this next pregnancy. I went online to find out what non-hospital options I had for birthing. And when I called for more information, my first question was, "how do you bill?" I was looking for a place that would only send one or two bills. I did not want to get bills for services I thought were included in the previous 3 bills for the same procedure. It still is so crazy to me that a hospital sends out a bill for their nurse and service, a doctor sends a bill for his service and anyone else who reads a lab test with the same service also sends a bill.

Health care in the United States could take some lessons from private business on how to operate more efficiently. For example, at our driving school, when you sign up for a lesson, we charge you a flat rate. It's not separated out into an school administrative fee, instructor fee, and car/gas fee. As I digress, perhaps you can more easily relate to my perspective. Bottom line, I found a local birth center that sends one or two bills. That's it. And that's what sold me.

And to add to my delight was the friendliness of the midwives and staff that worked there. The facilities and birthing suites remind me of a nice hotel. I worked with two midwives and would have one of them at the birth. I was nervous not birthing in a hospital and Tymon was even more skeptical, especially since I needed repair surgery after Graeden.

Elliott has always been a comfort seeker. He stayed in his nice warm amniotic sac an extra week after his due date. I was getting worried that if he came too late then I'd have to go back to the hospital to deliver since midwives can only deliver between 37 and 42 weeks. Even now, Elliott loves to snuggle and hug and crawls into our bed a couple of times a week.

About midnight, I felt a big contraction. It was not like the little Braxton-Hicks ones that I'd had working up to this point. I was just getting into bed and Tymon was finishing up something on the computer. I called into him that my labor may have started, but I'd time the next couple of contractions and try to get some rest in the mean time. I didn't want to call my midwife Heike just yet. I wanted her to sleep a little longer. About 3:30 am, my longer, stronger, closer together contractions were progressing and it was time to call. We planned to meet at the birth center at 5 am.

Heike was already there when we arrived. I walked in the door, she took one look at me and said, come on back to the room. You're definitely going to have this baby soon. I sat on a chair while she and her assistant filled the tub with warm water. Relieved and amazed that they could tell I was in active labor just by looking at me. Trusting me and what my body was telling me.

I was in the tub a short amount of time before the urge to push came. I love tubs. And water. They are truly God's gift to laboring women. I was fairly quiet with Graeden's birth. I'm not sure why because I certainly liked being vocal with Elliott's. After several pushes, and Heike working with me to get my pushing voice down to a bass rather than soprano, she checked my dilation for the first and only time. It turns out checking how dilated a woman is doesn't matter until she's about to deliver. A woman can dilate (and efface) from 0-10 in the matter of a few minutes or few weeks. Wow! Not only did my midwife trust that I was in labor, she also respected me as a person and didn't do unnecessary pelvic exams just for the sake of having something to do. I delivered Elliott after being at the Birth Center for less than 90 minutes.

In the photo above, Elliott is still attached to me. When his umbilical cord stopped pulsating, Tymon cut it and I delivered the placenta. As you can see below, Heike has already bonded with Elliott. She took the time to get to know him during the prenatal visits by feeling the belly and figuring out where the head, back, and legs are. All the while talking to him. None of the OBs I've ever worked with as well as a couple of the current midwives at UWMC do this prenatal bonding. I didn't realize how important that is for building a relationship of trust until another midwife at UWMC got to know Kira a little bit. It only takes a minute or two but endeared her to me. I hope she's on call when I go into labor.

This past Thursday, I also met with Heike's midwifery instructor Helen at the UWMC for the second time. I see Heike's personal manner reflected in Helen. Or vice versa. They both express confidence and trust in my intuition as a mother. They empower me with choices. They both get to know babies in utero. They both place emphasis on me as a real person with intelligence and validate my concerns and feelings rather than viewing me as someone who will sue them if something goes wrong with my baby. They are truly kindred spirits.

At about noon the day Elliott was born, Tymon and I decided we'd like to go home. And we did. No hassles and no waiting. It took about 15 minutes to gather our things, strap Elliott into his seat and drive off.

Graeden was very interested in his new brother from the beginning. They are 17 months apart and don't remember life without the other.

Birth Story: Graeden, The First - A Hospital Birth

2011-06-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

Experience is the most valuable tool for learning. When I think back to just over 8 years ago when I became pregnant for the first time, I realize how naive I was. I didn't know me, my body, or anything about birthing options. The only thing I knew was that I wanted a female provider. So I asked a friend where she went, made sure they had a female obstetrician and then went there. It was a relatively simple decision. And I complied with everything they told me in my appointments...except I didn't do some of the tests (like for Down's Syndrome) since abortion wasn't an option.

The Birth: On my due date, I had an appointment and the doctor stripped my membranes. I didn't know what that was what he was doing. He checked to see how dilated I was and I think I was 2cm. He asked me if I wanted him to see if he could stretch it to 3cm. Not understanding that he was trying to start my labor for me and that I'd be in terrible cramping pain all day, I said, "okay".

I had intended on going to work, but with these new menstrual-type cramps I was feeling I just went home. And watched How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Twice. I couldn't get off the couch.

I called my mom. I was hungry and didn't feel like getting up to get anything. Or make anything. She left work early to make me dinner and arrived with it about the time Tymon came home from work. We ate. The cramps turned into contractions. We timed them. I lost my dinner, which was a major disappointment. I was achy, tired, hungry and now couldn't eat. Contractions got a bit closer and a couple of hours later we went to the hospital about 9:30 pm.

Walking in through the emergency room entrance we ran into a guy I went to junior high and high school with. He's an EMT/Firefighter and had just taken someone in. We hadn't seen each other in nearly 10 years. We talked for a couple of minutes and I introduced him to Tymon. Then, as I was leaning against the wall, I said something like, "well, my contractions are less than 30 seconds apart, I gotta go."

When we got to the birthing center, the Nazi nurse who apparently knew more about my labor than I did (ha ha), said, "well let's see if you're really in labor" as she put us in a room and checks to see how dilated I was. I didn't have another contraction for an hour. Wow. What a let down. I thought I'd be giving birth within the hour. I had no idea what the psychological effect that a few callous and insensitive words would have on me.

When contractions started up again, I began to vomit. Like a lot. And since the food was long gone out of my system, I was hurling bile. Bright yellow. Then fluorescent green. I wanted a natural childbirth. One of the nurses kept trying to push an anti-nausea drug on me. After about 3 or 4 times, I asked what the side effects of the drug were. She didn't know. I explained that I could handle throwing up. I did not know if I could handle whatever side effect came from the other drug. A very frustrated Tymon told her not to ask again. She didn't.

The nurses checked to see how dilated I was several times over the next few hours. And in every painful pelvic exam I had a bulging sac and they couldn't tell for sure how many centimeters I was. I think they are used to women having epidurals so they don't have to be gentle.

About midnight, I had some strong urges to push. They said I wasn't ready. I believed them and held back any pushing. I still wasn't "ready" about 4am. But by that time my attitude had shifted. To hell with compliance and not pushing. My body wanted to push? Then I will push.

I was laboring on a birthing ball and heard a soft sound like a water balloon popping. Then amniotic fluid flowed everywhere. Sweet. This was really happening. I didn't care that the doctor was at home sleeping. In fact, I didn't care if he came at all. Yes he. My female provider wasn't on-call that night. I was finally pushing and an end to labor seemed in sight.

I used a birthing bar to raise myself up off the bed with each contraction. And I pushed. I felt the RING OF FIRE. A pale comparison to the real feeling, which is more like someone taking a blow torch to your crotch. It lasted several pushes. I didn't know if I could push through it. I have never known such an intense pain. The doctor arrived maybe 15 or 20 minutes before Graeden was born at 5 am. I watched as the doctor held his head and then his body as it appeared. My first impression? Wow. He's gray. And long. Is he mine? Yes. That's one question I know the answer to. In fact, he's still attached. To me. My baby. All 6lbs. 15oz and 20" of him.

I was invincible. High. I did it! I birthed Graeden without any drugs. I can do anything. The urge to run up to the rooftop, pound my chest and shout, "I am WOMAN! Hear me ROAR!" may or may not have been suppressed. Wow! My mind was on fire. A physical euphoria lasted all day. And its memory lifts me even now. Seriously, stand back. One part smugness mixed with ten parts empowerment equal an unconquerable spirit. I will do nothing in my entire life harder than giving birth for the first time.

Graeden tore me 4 inches up the inside of the birth canal. Not that I cared. I didn't feel it. This is the power of a natural child-birthing high. I got a saddle block, went into surgery and the OB stitched me up.

There were some fantastic parts to the entire experience and some not so good parts. The most frustrating part was the billing. Long after the pain of the birth faded, the bills continually came. And that (as well as hospital nurse/doctor impressions) led me to search for another provider with my second pregnancy. It wasn't until then that I began to understand my birthing options and most importantly, I learned how to read my own body responses.

Just Found

2011-06-19T22:33:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking that Kira is waiting to come until I get her siblings' birth posts up. It's actually been a goal of mine for a few months, inspired by a friend who wanted to know more about Jett's adoption story. I was thinking that doing a series on all of the kids would be fun. Like one story per week for a month. Ha ha. That's not happening. But the good news is that tonight I got started on the actual posts. I pulled out the baby books and started scanning photos. In searching for digital photos on Tymon's external hard drive, I found this one of Evan from a family dinner we had. Graeden had the camera out and was taking a lot of photos. Most were terrible. There were some gems, though. I love love love finding pictures of Evan that I've never seen before. They are seriously such a treat.

Maybe Later

2011-06-19T04:03:00.000-07:00

I've been awake since 2:30 am. Dreaming of labor. Again. Except this time they weren't really dreams. More like making plans. Because of the contractions (non-labor ones) I'm having. And serious heart burn. Over an hour later and it still persists. I'm planning who to ask to teach my lesson in church this afternoon. Because these contractions may turn serious. Or not. But I like having babies on Sunday. It's so much easier to coordinate kids, friends, no work, etc. I'd better eat a bowl of granola and firm up my lesson plans...because there's a pretty good chance I will be teaching today. And too tired to do it later at a decent hour.

And on a side note: because I want to have this record later. My pollen allergies have been fine this season. My left eye has itched a little the past few days and my nose a bit runny the past couple of weeks. But nothing compared to last year when I wanted to just gouge my eyes out. I haven't had an LDA shot since last October. But will definitely start back up again after Kira is born. Because really, if a partial effect of the treatment is this good so many months after the last shot, then I want the full effect for next season.

That Day and Hour Knoweth No Man

2011-06-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'd like to have a baby today. Mostly because the last time Tymon graduated that's what happened. And it would be so convenient to have Kira today. I'm fairly certain that the walk from the graduation ceremony to the UW Medical Center would be closer than the walk from the ceremony to the parking lot. As an added bonus, I wouldn't have to accept the midwife's changes to my birth plan before giving birth.

Changes that include continuous fetal monitoring. And a pediatric team in the delivery room. ~~Looking at my crotch.~~ Patiently waiting for Kira to arrive. Because if I don't agree to that then I cannot deliver with the midwives. I'm already on the line for whether or not they will accept me as a client. Eek.

I understand business and why providers don't want to accept everyone. Especially difficult people like me. But transferring would mean going to an OB. Did it have to come down to this? I don't want an OB. And an OB would likely say the same thing. The midwife (same one as last week) encouraged me to talk to Heike. Maybe she's hoping that Heike can talk some sense into me. It wouldn't be the first time.

My friend's sister (B) has the same perinatalogist that the midwife suggested I talk to. She specializes in high risk pregnancies. I visited B after my appointment on Friday. B has a serious congenital heart condition. As in she's had open-heart surgery. Several doctors told her she needs to have an abortion. That her body couldn't handle a pregnancy. This is B's first pregnancy. And she wants her baby. Now she's 33 weeks along. She likes her doctor because while others have encouraged having a c-section now, the doctor is wanting to wait...until B's heart shows signs of distress. She still needs to plan for a c-section, BUT that can wait. It's better to have a full term baby if B's body continues to respond well. Oddly enough, just knowing that piece of information about the doctor calmed me. She's not over-reactive.

And I got a tour of the birthing rooms from the charge nurse. I like her. Maybe she'll be on duty when Kira comes. I've figured out a place where the pediatric team can be in the room (in a little entryway) and be close to Kira and equipment when she comes and not have a direct view of me. Because I'm not like some women who throw modesty out the window when having a baby. Nope. That's not me. And I may have a solution to the monitoring. We'll see how things are going in the moment. Because it's not like they can transfer me as I'm pushing a baby out.

As I pulled out the infant car seat from the garage last night and started to clean it, I began to think about what other preparations I needed to do before Kira comes. Not a whole lot. Just pack my hospital bag. So I did. And I thought about what I was thinking about at 37 weeks with Jocelyn's pregnancy. It's a little bit different this time around. Maybe because of the rapture guy a few weeks ago, I've got this scripture on my mind:

Matthew 24:36¶But of that ^aday and ^bhour knoweth no man, no, not the^cangels of heaven, but my Father only.

So, if I really want to have this baby today then I need to make the preparations needed to ensure that I will be ready. Wish me luck. We leave for the graduation in ten minutes.

Lots of excitement on graduation day, but alas, no baby.

Ten Hours Later and Still Laughing

2011-06-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

This afternoon several of Tymon's classmates and their families came over for a graduation barbecue (ceremony is tomorrow). We talked with one guy for a little while before many of the guests arrived. He's Chinese, but born in the Philippines and lived in Canada and has Canadian citizenship. He's here as an international student. So we were talking about various cultures and the subject came up that we have hosted exchange students.

The conversation went something like this:

J: So where did she sleep?

Me: She slept in Jocelyn's room. Jocelyn slept with us at night.

J: (not realizing that Jocelyn is our 2 year old and that "she" is Danica, our last exchange student) She slept in your bed?

Me: Yeah.

J: And you're okay with this?

Me: (oblivious to the miscommunication) Yeah.

J: Wow.

Me: (trying to explain to a single guy why kids crawl into bed with their parents) She's two. Sometimes all the kids get into bed with us.

J: Oh! I thought you were saying your exchange student got in bed with you.

Me: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That would be some program! You'd want to sign up right away!

J: (laughs heartily)

Can you imagine? An exchange student who sneaked into her host parents bed in the middle of the night. Ha ha ha. Just the thought of this misunderstanding puts a smile on my face and chuckle in my heart. Tymon thinks this scenario has the makings of a great movie scene. I tend to agree.

April 2011 - We took Danica to dinner and bowling.

Evan's 4th Birthday

2011-06-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

Today was good.

And emotionally together.

It was fun getting food for the party.

Because I was all by myself.

Thanks Nana and Bapa!

The bakery at Costco was so quick

to put Evan's name on his cake.

Within 3 minutes of my asking.

Love that service.

Somehow seeing his name written

started the tears.

I'd so much rather be celebrating

his birthday with him here.

This fantastic red velvet was a success.

I should have bought two.

But I didn't.

Because no one ever eats cake.

And I didn't want left overs.

Poor Bapa didn't get a piece.

We sang to Evan and released his balloons.

There are still a few in the trees.

Ha ha.

I think Evan wanted us
to have a visual reminder of him

for a few more days or weeks.

Once the boys let a balloon go
at my aunt and uncle's house.

It was in a tree for months.

That'd be cool if these stayed
in our trees for a while.

Pre-Labor Dramatics

2011-06-06T01:46:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to to feel nervous or unreasonable about Baby Kira's upcoming birth experience. But that's exactly what has happened this week. I didn't think I liked drama, either. But apparently I do because I'm creating lots of it.

The UW Medical Center has five midwives that usually rotate in attending births. They have a few more that help with prenatal care appointments. Last week, I met one of Heike's (midwife who delivered Elliott and Jocelyn) teachers from way back when. That was fun for me. I also like the first midwife I met in the practice.

I'm just not so sure about the midwife I saw a few days ago. I feel my anxiety level rising. A lot. I recently came across a blog entitled, The Unneccesarean.com. And I really appreciate the education this site gives into the birthing process and c-sections. Birthing Kira in a hospital, especially one that handles high-risk pregnancies and has a 50% c-section rate, scares me. I don't want to feel pressured into making a huge medical decision that may not be in my best interest.

In my first birth experience (at a hospital), I decided that I would opt for natural childbirth. I'm not sure why I made this choice. It felt right for me. But it wasn't until later that I began to comprehend how medical interventions complicate normal childbirth and lead to adverse side affects to both the mother and newborn. From my previous four birth experiences and child rearing I have gained knowledge and experience regarding medical professionals, hospitals, and the rules they follow. Some are patient centered. But all too many seem to be in place to prevent lawsuits.

I like midwives because they are more concerned about my medical well-being rather than whether or not I'm going to sue them. And that gives me and my babies the best medical care possible. I won't cover up my true feelings, though. I would love it if Heike had hospital-delivery privileges. But she doesn't. And that makes me sad. But I think I trust her so much precisely because she does NOT think like someone who works in a hospital.

I go in now for weekly fetal monitoring. They strap a monitor to my belly and track Kira's heartbeat for about half an hour. They're looking to see what it does during a restful state and what happens when she moves or there's a contraction. I asked the midwife I just met if they intended to do continuous fetal monitoring during my labor. She affirmed they would. I told her I didn't want that. I have no problem using a handheld device to check every so often, but that I did not want to be continuously monitored.

The reason I don't want to be continuously monitored is because in so doing, the chance of c-section multiplies yet there is no change to infant mortality rates. The test is flawed and results are easily mis-read. If the medical professional thinks that the baby may be in distress, then they want to do a c-section. Exactly, what I don't want to happen.

What's unbelievable for me is that this midwife actually said to me, "most women choose a c-section over a dead baby." Uh, what? Did she just play the dead baby card? Yes. Yes, she did. Talk about applying pressure.

I let her know that I am fully aware of what it's like to lose a child. I do not intend to lose this one. However, the risk of a c-section has to be weighed against the risk to Kira and I.

She said she'd talk to a perinatologist and see what she recommends. Huh? Consulting a doctor I've never met before? How would this doctor know better than Kira's cardiologist and I what would be best for Kira?

The midwife went on to tell me that in high-risk pregnancies blah blah blah. I corrected her. This is not a high risk pregnancy. There is nothing high-risk about me. Kira may have a heart defect once she is born. But there's actually nothing wrong with is as long as she's inside of me and using my blood supply. So, really, nothing about this labor/delivery is high-risk. She conceded my point and went on to talk about Kira's heart defect.

It's true, Kira appears to have a couple of heart issues. But we don't know right now what exactly that means. We need to wait and see how her heart and lungs work together after she's born and has left my blood supply.

Instead of talking about fetal monitoring and c-sections, we should be discussing that the first sign of Kira's small pulmonary branch arteries being too small is that she'll have respiratory distress. And if her right sided aortic arch is problematic then she'll have respiratory distress. And a common side effect of c-sections is that the babies have respiratory distress. Hmmm. That doesn't seem like a good combo. Unless I labor and deliver naturally (like I want) without interventions, we won't be giving Kira her best shot at life. So no more pressure about seemingly innocent continuous fetal monitoring. I'm not going to do it.

Bottom line, I left there feeling like I was being difficult. For standing up for what is best for me and my daughter. I was trying so hard to be reasonable but don't think that's how I was received. I want to have a positive birthing experience. To have medical professionals support my decisions. But right now I just feel the contention ... and the time to work through that is now. Before I'm in labor.

I'll bring in a birth plan for my appointment this week. Laying out everything I want out of this experience and discussing my options. I'm also praying Heike will be available and not at another birth when I go into labor. I want her to come to Kira's birth as my doula and advocate.

Explosive Treats

2011-05-30T16:19:00.000-07:00

I think we were about an hour out of town

before I remembered something really important.

We went camping this weekend.

As a treat I bought some soda for the trip.

I put it in the freezer 4 hours before we left.

They are so good

when they have a bit of slush in them.

Just like a Slurpee.

Sometimes forgetting has severe consequences.

Like explosions.

The last time this happened

It was Memorial Day weekend 2009.

I put the soda in the freezer,

remembered to take it out

and we had a FANTASTIC treat.

So fantastic, in fact, that when we got home

Jovana wanted to make the treat again.

She put a can or two of soda

or maybe four into the freezer.

Overnight.

Whoops!

There was an explosion.

Similar to this one.

But on a little smaller scale.

She cleaned my freezer for me.

This time,

there's no Jovana.

It's all me.

Eek.

Crazy Hair = Wild Child

2011-05-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

When my kids have wild and crazy hair, sometimes I think that's how they behave, too. As if the longer locks make them into wild monsters. So Sunday morning before church I got out the clippers and cut it all off. Well, just the boys. That way they would be nice to each other and obedient to their parents. Just like angels. Because I really like angels.

I shared my hair wisdom with Elliott's Sunday School teacher. She laughed and said that she didn't think my theory worked for Navy guys. (Her son is in the military.) And even though children make a few stupid decisions, for the most part they are fantastic and loving individuals.

Thirty Five

2011-05-23T23:56:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that my husband married me, an older woman. Not too much older. Just 6 months. But the strangest thing happens inside his brain when I have my birthday. He also has one. And I must admit. My brain is just as confused. So it doesn't really seem like he had a birthday today. But he did. And now it's official. Happy Birthday Lover!

Without Civilization

2011-05-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

My thoughts and feelings on Osama bin Laden's death are without a doubt mixed. Mixed because I believe the Navy SEALS who killed him were right to do so. Bin Laden has taken credit for the deaths of thousands of people.

Americans celebrate as the White House shares news of bin Laden's death.

And the celebrations over someone dying repulse me. These are the same types of photos that I have seen a half a world away...and though we are not beheading anyone or dragging dead bodies in the street, the uncivilized celebration over someone's death indicates that our culture is not so different than theirs. Hate begets hate and nothing positive will come from it.

Anti-American protest in Pakistan.

I am reminded of another people whose neighbors hated and warred against them. The ancient prophet Alma wrote this about the Nephites and the Lamanites:

Alma 48

v. 23Now, they were sorry to take up arms against the Lamanites, because they did not delight in the shedding of blood; yea, and this was not all—they were sorry to be the means of sending so many of their brethren out of this world into an eternal world, unprepared to meet their God.

v. 24Nevertheless, they could not suffer to lay down their lives, that their wives and their children should be massacred by the barbarous cruelty of those who were once their brethren, yea, and had dissented from their church, and had left them and had gone to destroy them by joining the Lamanites.

v. 25Yea, they could not bear that their brethren should rejoice over the blood of the Nephites, so long as there were any who should keep the commandments of God, for the promise of the Lord was, if they should keep his commandments they should prosper in the land.

It saddens me that bin Laden is unprepared to meet God. In his heart he knows that he has led unjust attacks against innocent people. Just like the Nephites, our government has a responsibility to protect our people against such attacks. It just disturbs me to think of my fellow countrymen falling into the same trap of hatred because we as a people are also unprepared to meet God.

Another prophet Moroni, who lived about 500 years after Alma, wrote of his Nephite people and how far they had come from being a righteous people to being without civilization.

Moroni 9
v. 5For so exceedingly do they anger that it seemeth me that they have no fear of death; and they have lost their love, one towards another; and they thirst after blood and revenge continually.

v. 10...they did murder [the Lamanites] in a most cruel manner, torturing their bodies even unto death; and after they have done this, they devour their flesh like unto wild beasts, because of the hardness of their hearts; and they do it for a token of bravery.

v. 11O my beloved son, how can a people like this, that are without civilization—

v. 14How can we expect that God will stay his hand in judgment against us?

It is my hope that as a people we can learn from those who went before us. Wickedness never was happiness. It all starts with me. And you. And everyone individually. We will be faced with many choices today. I hope for the strength to choose kindness in both word and deed.

Finger Candy: My Top Ten Feels

2011-04-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

There are certain things I can't help touching. I mean sometimes I can control the impulse to reach out and get a feel...but most of the time I just can't help myself. Here are my Top Ten Finger Candy Feels:

10. Afro hair - the texture fascinates me. And if I'm lucky enough to know you and you've got some, I may just ask you if I can feel it.
9. Ringlets - I need to put my finger through the center of a ringlet and then pull it down.
8. Velvet dresses - I won't even ask you. I'll just start rubbing your sleeve.
7. Fur coats - oh so soft. I love 'em...but no, I don't own any.
6. Fabric - can anyone go through a fabric store and not touch everything?! No, I don't think so.
5. My Grandfather's fatty fat veins on the back of his hand - they were huge. I always wondered what would happen if I pressed them. So I did. Softly. Over and over again. Grandpa died when I was 14. I miss him.
4. Chapped lips - as in my chapped lips. Not anyone else's. I love the rough, smooth, rough, smooth texture.
3. My 6 year old Elliott's back - his skin is so soft. And he loves the caresses. Which is great for both of us.
2. My pregnant outie belly button - I just like to squeeze it. And play with it. My children think it's New Baby's foot or hand poking out. They like to kiss it her.
AND
1. Pregnant belly - I know I'm not the only one who's drawn to this one. Lots of you are. You can't help yourselves. Some of you ask me before you reach out. Others ask after contact has been made. And I don't mind. Most of the time.

Once I minded. Several years ago, I was weirded out when my friend's husband touched my belly. He was from another country. And there, maybe it's okay to do that. But I'm not from there. I'm from here. And it was an invasion of my space. In a big way. So if you're male, don't touch.

Random addition: I'm watching Fringe right now and happen to be on an episode where Peter trips out and touches Boyles's bald head. Which reminds me of another sensory pleasure. Super short hair. Like if you use #1 clippers. And then feel the head. It's like velvet. I love it!

Egg Hunts: The Hiding Technique For All-Year Fun

2011-04-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

The last few years we have gone to my cousin's house for an egg hunt and potluck dinner. It's my all time favorite Easter activity. Mainly because they make it really fun. Part of the fun is inviting over a ton of friends and family.

But most of the excitement comes from where the eggs are hidden. Eggs aren't really "hidden" in open sight on the grass like they are at the city-wide celebration we skipped this year. They're actually in nooks and crannies and the kids get challenged to find them. I believe my cousin has about 3 acres of property and the eggs are spread out over half of it. What I especially love is how respectful the older kids are of the younger ones. While it is true that younger kids get a head start, the older ones don't pick up the obvious or low-laying eggs. They leave them for the younger ones. I love that the older ones also want the younger ones to have fun and find lots of eggs. They stuffed and hid over 1300 this year (everyone donates candy and/or prizes).

And the most creative hiding spot? In the pool, of course. Ha ha ha. Two of my cousins' kids jumped in fully dressed after one egg. The one who got it first shared it with the one who didn't get it.

Elliott taking a break from hunting eggs to swing on the rope.

My laughs for the afternoon came though when one of my cousins combed an area that the kids had already gone through. He found probably 10 eggs. He opened each one keeping the candy he liked and re-stuffing and tossing in the grass the candy he didn't. He also found proof that the kids don't find all of the eggs every year. A couple of the eggs he brought back had little holes in the ends where animals have chewed through the plastic to get to the candy inside. Hiding eggs in random places offers the best opportunity for finding the leftovers all year round. If you plan on having a spontaneous snack sometime during the summer, you just have to make sure you find the missing eggs before the wildlife does.

Spoils of the hunt.